The Captivating Woman

Designed with purpose.

Ask For What You Need

I love to people watch. I enjoy meeting friends after work for a drink, but the part that usually sways me from just inviting them to my house and having them there instead is the promise of people watching. We are a fascinating species, and I’m not sure I’ll ever get tired of watching people interact, picking up on the cues from body language and expressions.

Because I try to be observant, and feel like I read people well – I get frustrated when the people in my life don’t seem to be accurately reading me.

And for a long time, I held out, wishing that someone in my family and close circle would know me well enough to know what I needed without me having to actually ask for it. And sometimes they did. But more often than not, they assumed that I needed something, I know how to ask for it.

I hate that.

It’s not an unfair expectation. I am rather self-assured as a general rule, and don’t have an issue having hard conversations or adapting to change if it means that something gets done well and more efficiently than the alternative. I try to be conscientious of others – but I’m also unnervingly stubborn when it comes to accomplishing whatever it is I’ve decided upon.

Except that somewhere in the 20-plus years I’ve been alive, I’ve managed to divorce asking for what I need to accomplish my to-do list, and asking for what I need to feel wanted and worthy.

I told myself for a long time that if these people really loved me, if they really knew me, they would get it. They’d do it, because who would willingly deny someone something they considered vital to being loved and valued? And if they didn’t, I probably didn’t actually need that thing or that conversation after all. And so I spent a lot of time secretly resenting the people I loved because I felt like they were wronging me. Like they didn’t know the real me. Like they couldn’t possibly like the real me because she was going to ask things of them that they weren’t willing to voluntarily give.

Friends, please hear me when I say this:

Ask the people you love for what you need.

Ask them.

That conversation may be awkward and painful and filled with frustration, but it is the only way you can reasonably expect to feel like your needs and wants are being converted to the other people. Even then, they may not fully get it. But like anything in life, the more you practice – having hard conversations, setting boundaries, being specific and explicit in what you need from people – the better you get at it.

It doesn’t meant that they will actually act on any or what you have expressed to them. They may not respond in a healthy or helpful way to you and the amount of bravery and work it took for you to put into words what you need from them. They may hear you, and get you, and still continue doing what they’ve always done. That puts you in an entirely different situation, filled with entirely different hard conversations, but you have done what you can to be transparent.

Deep down, no matter what people seem on the surface, we all want to be known by those we love. But it is unfair of us to assume that being fully known requires no effort on our part. It does require effort, and finding tactful ways to speak the truth in love, and coming back with equal parts forgiveness and apology when it’s not been done right. If it ever gets easy to have those conversations, that’s surprising and welcome news to me…but if my gut is right, it won’t. It may get easier – because we know that they end result is worth the discomfort. or because we learn to trust the process so the whole thing isn’t as anxiety inducing as it once was.

I look forward to that day in my own life, because my heart still pounds and my stomach still pools with dread whenever I have to have those conversations. And honestly – sometimes I avoid them for far longer than I should, because the whole situation wants to send me spiraling into a mess of my own anxiety triggers. When I’m spiraling, I feel like they are terrible, horrible experiences that freak me out…but I know that good things require work, effort and the tenacity to get up again and face those things that leave me shaking in my boots.

And those conversations, scary as they are, are good things. Are healthy things. Are worthy things.

I Would Like to Claim…

I am a writer.

My mind cannot help but create. It is constantly searching for something new to express.
 It never sleeps.

Even in my dreams, I use my God given talents to be the most creative and unique person I can be. 
It gives me purpose. It gives me strength. But most of all it defines me.

There are so many qualities about ourselves we choose to identify with. Whether it be your luscious hair, your piercing eyes, your sensible smile, your outlandish personality, or like me, your ability to be innovative and free.

No matter what it is, we all have that something we can use to claim, “This is who I am!” 
No one can change that.

The characteristics I choose to own and declare to the world, are the ones I am most proud of and love the most.

Yes, you should choose to accept all of yourself, including your flaws.
 However, I believe your confidence comes 
from the talents you are most passionate
 about and the ones you feel most connected to. They give you the power to control what makes you happy and what makes you the best YOU, you can possibly be.
 They just make us who we are. 
It is as simple as that.

I would like to claim…

My creative instincts. 
My kind & sensitive nature.
 My love for human interaction. 
My quirky & zany personality. 
My infectious laughter.
 My passion for giving to those in need. My knack for listening to others.
 My yearn to try new things & zest for life. My strength in overcoming hardships. My devotion to God.
 My faith in my friends & family.

My will to know what I want out of life. My ability to stay true to who I am.
…all because these encompass me and provide me with the most confidence.

I have my faults just like everyone else, and they define me just as much.

I would like to claim…

My indecisive nature.
 My inability to trust some & my ability to overly trust others.
 My prideful stature.
My narrow minded state of being. 
My lust for perfection. 
My controlling personality.
 My lack of self-confidence & self-worth. My strive to be someone I am not. 
My overly jealous state of mind. 
My need to change who I am. 
My mental disabilities.
 My diminishing thoughts about myself. …all because they weight me down, preventing me from expressing myself.

By declaring these flaws and making them known, gives them less power over me.
 It allows me to set myself free from these barriers, making myself more vulnerable.

I get to shed them from my skin and be the girl God intended me to be.
 My faults define me, but only because they make me stronger and give me the ability to over come these sinful, harmful thoughts.

The longer I dwell on them…
…the more they control my state of mind, making me be someone I am not. The more they possess my fine qualities, letting others see the worst in me.
…the more they have the ability to drain my spirits and my faith in God, allowing more sin to be present in my life.
…the more they prevent me from being myself to those who care most about me. …the more they make me feel disengaged from the world, showing others my heart’s open wounds.

Loving yourself is a hard thing to do. 
From your flaws to your insecurities, we are simply burdened with the constant reminder “You are never enough.”
 Woman are growing up in a world where they have to fit in certain box.
 When we do not fit the box, the reminder kicks in that we are just “not enough.”

My point in this piece is to provide 
others with the comfort that we all have flaws; ones that are hard to control. 
Despite those flaws, you are more than
 them because they do not control you.
 Embrace your personality and your flaws 
because that is what makes you special.
 That is what helps define you and give you the tenacity to never give up on yourself.

Believe in the beauty of “I am always enough.” You are what you want to be, not what
 your insecurities tell you to be.
 Be the you God wants and made you to be, because there is no one more special, more unique than who you are.
 Have the courage to say, “This is me!”

Meet Jen Swift

It is my complete joy and pleasure to introduce you to my friend, Jen Swift. We have been friends for two years and we get to battle in ministry together every week (and battle against each other in games often at her house, we are both quite competitive and have been told we are fun to watch for those who are not as passionate as we are). She is one of the realest, most amazing humans you will ever meet and I am so excited for you all to get to know her.

First off, where do you live and how old are you?
I live in the beautiful Napa, California and I am 25 years young (in my quarter life crisis, I guess).

Give me three words to describe you.
Sensitive. Compassionate. Awesome-Sauce. (That totally counts as one word).

What is your day job?
I am currently serving on the worship staff at my church as the Hillside School of Worship Director. I also work as a Home Manager in a transition home for girls who have been victims of human trafficking.

What made you get into that?
I picked up a guitar to play and sing a worship song when I was 16, and I have loved worship ever since. I have served on worship teams and in pastoral ministries off and on since that time. My current position as the Hillside School of Worship Director is a great blend of the two, giving me the space to release the gifts God has given me in worship while also helping others discover and develop their God-given gifts.
For as long as I can remember, a longing has stirred within me to lead those broken, hurting, and intensely in need of restoration through the journey of healing that only comes from Jesus.

My position as a Home Manager allows me to walk with girls through remarkable (and seemingly impossible) transformation. I get the pleasure of seeing Jesus’ relentless pursuit of the broken and His life changing power at its finest every day. It is challenging and draining to say the least, but it is so meaningful and wonderful to serve in this ministry.

What is your ministry of choice when it comes to serving?
That is such a tough question! I have served in almost every ministry imaginable and have loved most of them. I really just love doing ministry that I know touches the heart of God. I definitely sense that the most when I lead worship. I don’t just want to “work” for God and serve people, I want to move Him and touch His heart. When my attention, affection, and adoration is given to Him in worship, it indeed is well with my soul.

What are you most passionate about?
I am quite passionate about coffee, puppies, Parks and Recreation, and anything having to do with superheroes. More seriously, I am passionate about people being free and living in the fullness of life in Jesus. Nothing makes my heart joyful like seeing people know who they are in Christ, and being able to release their God enabled gifts, passions, and abilities. Therefore, much of my life is oriented around helping people dismantle their hurts, discover God and who He created them to be, and release the treasures God has put inside them.

Have you ever had an experience/time in your life where you wanted to just throw in the towel and walk away? What did that look like?
After graduating college, I had nothing on the horizon. Though I walked into my college experience sure I would come out strong and ready to take on the world, I walked out without a clue of what I was built for and what made me passionate. I had less direction than when I started. Though I had a job and new job opportunities, it felt as though each was met with God’s gentle “no”. I watched my peers jump into seemingly very successful positions and communities while I left my job, my community, and moved across the state without much to go off of except a sense that God wanted me to move to Napa. Through that experience leaving my life behind and moving into some big unknowns, God began to uncover my hidden life-long battles with depression and anxiety. I wrestled, for over a year, to healing and deliverance by God’s grace. I wanted to give up many times but God was faithful. I don’t think I could ever find the words to explain just how good He is and all that He did for me in that season. I came to know Him in ways I never did as my Father and Shepherd, and I learned so much about myself. I am more alive and free than I have ever been because of Jesus; and I have learned to trust Him when I don’t understand.

What is the greatest advice you have ever been given?
“Feel what you feel when you feel it.” One of my college professors said this in my class and I never forgot it. Oftentimes, woman can be criticized for being overly emotion. Because of this, I spent a lot of my life trying not to feel. I kept busy, told myself “it’s not a big deal”, and ran from anything that made angry, hurt, or even happy. It was my greatest means of defense to shut down. Consequently, I wasn’t really alive; or at least I didn’t feel that way. I also realized that I was hung up on anything and everything bad that had ever happened to me because I hadn’t given myself the time or space to feel it. Our emotions are signs of life and signs of things that are not to be ignored. I have found it best to feel what I feel when I feel it. Meaning, when I have some kind of emotional reaction, I break away from the day for a moment and just let myself be angry, sad, happy, etc. I feel “it” so that I can find whatever “it” is and give it Jesus. It has allowed me to a much more alive and free person.

What advice would you give to someone who was chasing their dream?
Let yourself fail. Understanding that you are a life-long learner will get you far in life. There is not a single person who has always started everything in life at an “expert” level. Lean in to the uncomfortable-ness of not knowing how to do something. Have grace with yourself, take the pressure off of always being the best, and learn to take risks.

Wake up early. Someone recently told me that successful people wake up early. Research undisputedly shows this; and I have found myself so much more productive when I wake up early and take the time to be fed emotionally, spiritually, and physically at the start of the day. Don’t let the day just happen as it comes, get out ahead of it!

Keep a checklist. It’s quite unrealistic to only ever take things as they come or to let your dreams just go with the wind (believe me, I have tired). You have to get your hands dirty and get things done. Having a “to-do” list will keep you on track to reaching your dreams, and it will help you feel accomplished as you cross things off. Of course, it’s also important not to let your checklist run you because it will ruin you. I have found that starting my week on Mondays by mapping out all the things I need to do that week and setting a realistic deadline is the best thing for me.

Track your progress and celebrate! Things that get measured get done. You will quickly feel like giving up on your dreams if you feel like you aren’t getting anywhere. You should be celebrating yourself every week or at least every month! It will reenergize you and renew your sense of purpose for going after your dreams. So, take the time to reflect your progress and find the growth and accomplishments to celebrate.

If you could travel anywhere, where would you choose and why?
ITALY. The sights, the food, the culture, the history. Need I say more?

What would you make me if I came over for a dinner party at your place?
Hands down…Tacos. And you would love it. We would also play TONS of cards, and I would beat you.

Who has been your biggest spiritual influence?
My pastors and my closest friends have been my biggest spiritual influences. My pastors have tended to be like family to me as my spiritual fathers (or brothers), and they have also been my mentors. They have loved me well, seen my strengths and weaknesses, and challenged me to grow in my passion, gifts, and intimacy with Christ. My closest friends have done the same. They are godly women who have simply been with me through many seasons always championing me through celebration, support, encouragement, and prayer. Both my pastors and my friends have modeled humility to serve beyond self, obedience at all costs, perseverance in all seasons, and a life deeply rooted in Christ.

Who are some Captivating Women you love and how could we find them on social media.

Natalie Garcia –
While Natalie is easily the sassiest person I have ever known, she is also the strongest. She is the perfect mixture of playful and deep making you laugh until you pee followed by making you cry until your soul is a little more free. She has a beautiful way of unlocking people with her presence and speaking straight into deepest parts of the heart in the most needed ways with the breathe, care, and love of God. Natalie is humble, teachable, beautiful, talented, anointed, caring, and, above all, faithful to her Father no matter the cost. I don’t think I have known anyone who is as fully present wherever she is, living and loving without reservation or bias. Natalie is fearless and absolutely unafraid to take risks. She is incredibly thoughtful, and is well thought of by all she comes in contact with. She strives for excellence in all that she does and has one of the most beautiful hearts I have ever seen.

Find her on Instagram @natalie_alexx and purchase her song “Shepherd of My Soul” from the album From the Vine on iTunes.

Marissa Deraya –
Marissa is the person that everyone wants on their team. She is the ultimate woman of strength and support, and she adds SO much to any room she walks in to. Marissa is extremely life giving as I have seen countless times people light up when she walks into a room. I have never known someone so patient, hard-working, dependable, focused, and given to each step of the process. She doesn’t rush ahead because she wants to do things right and well, and she is known to follow through. Marissa has about a million different laughs, each one better than the first (and when she yawns she sounds like Chewbacca). She is incredibly fun, goofy and nerdy, while also being smart, caring, deep, anointed, confident, and just plain cool. She cares about quality; and, in turn, I have found her to be a person of the highest quality within herself. Marissa loves a challenge and does hard things with ease knowing she can overcome any obstacle. She is incredibly compassionate and passionate about what God has called her to; and she is sure to impact this world forever just by being Marissa.

Find her on Instagram @marissaderaya.

Allison Vazquez –
Alli is perhaps the most joyful person on planet earth. Not to mention, Joy is her middle name, and it’s overwhelmingly contagious when she is around. She is always so passionate about the things of God and unafraid to proclaim her faith. Alli cares deeply about people and will give it all to help another at the drop of a hat. She has a natural way of softening people as she loves without limit and is simply Alli wherever she is. Alli leaves her mark wherever she goes simply by being who God created her to be, and she is by all means a dreamer. She is anointed, committed, ambitious, and unstoppable.

Find her encouraging and equipping others on Instragam @_she.is_

What do you think makes a Captivating Woman?
I think a truly captivating woman is one who is life-giving, often in unexplainable ways. She can walk into a room or right into the heart of a person and give life with her words or with her very presence. A captivating woman is also one who is secure. She has confidence that goes beyond the moment and beyond “how it’s going”. She is secure even in the midst of weakness. This is a confidence surely found in the daughter who knows exactly who she is in her Father. A captivating woman is one who is fully present. She doesn’t hold back but is simply present and transparent. She isn’t dull or passive, nor does she hide. She is a fighter, a dreamer, a sensitive soul yet as strong as they come. In being fully present and fully herself, she is beautiful; and she is captivating.

What is your favorite scripture/Bible story and why?
Ecclesiastes 3:11 is (currently) my favorite verse. It reads:

“He has made everything beautiful in its time.”

It is an amazing reminder that beauty takes time. I must confess, I don’t always inwardly and outwardly feel beautiful. There is so much that I think I lack in my character and in my person; however, just because I don’t see it now doesn’t mean it will never appear. There is a proper time for beauty to be revealed; and, often, it needs to first be refined. This verse is an encouragement as I walk through difficulty, uncomfortable seasons, and waiting that there is purpose to it all. I may not see all the beauty I want to see in my life, but I will get there. And I know it will be worth the wait because it will be the work of God and not of my own.

Stop saying pretty, please.

There are a lot of things we cannot control in this life. For starters, we cannot control our make-up, our family, our heritage, or where we come from. Boom. We’re born into that. We do not have a say if we’re classified as Northern or Southern. We don’t get a choice over how many siblings we have.

We also cannot control our physical make-up. Our eye color, hair texture, skin color, super-fast or super-slow metabolism, and the list goes on and on. We cannot control if math comes natural to us; we cannot control if words and letters appear jumbled when we read. We can study hard, have tutors. We can have personal trainers and, heck, nowadays we can buy colored contacts if we are that dissatisfied with our eye color. So sure, maybe these things aren’t definite things; they’re not determinants of who we might be or not be forever. We can try and change some of those things, but ultimately, we do not initially control them.

So, here we sit with a ton of physical, emotional, and mental things we cannot control. We got dealt these things. This is what we are working with.

If that is true, why do we judge on them? Why is so much pressure, so much emphasis, so much of our precious time spent worrying and stressing about looks, when we ultimately don’t control them? Why do people drool over silky hair, symmetrical faces, sultry eyes, when we do not have a say over them? Why are people made fun of for acne, for being pigeon-toed, for bushy eye brows, when that is the genetic make-up they’re born with?

Why is “being pretty” such a compliment, when it is merely complimenting the gene pool and chromosomes we possess? When people want to compliment appearance, I simply want to point them to Andrea and Scott – my lovely parents – because it is their compliment. My thick hair, weird earlobes, and hazel eyes all came from them. I did not earn them, nor work for them. They simply came with the rest of me.

We are born into a culture that’s beauty-focused and pretty-obsessed. My compact face powder has “flawless coverage” for 24 hours; it is named Infallible. According to the box, this compact powder is perfect – it will literally not fail me. If you’re from the south, you may have grown up being told to “not act ugly.”

What is the opposite of ugly? Pretty.

We are told to act pretty, to be pretty.

We are constantly looking at magazines and comparing ourselves to the clothes, styles, and women in them. Heck, US Weekly has an entire spread of “Who wore it better?” We are programmed from such an early age to compare, to decide which we like more, and to decide what is prettier.

Ladies, let’s abolish “pretty” from our vocabulary. Compliment on other things besides gorgeous faces and great clothes, because those are (literally) surface-level. Your best friend who has stood by your side through trials and pain is not simply pretty; she is beautiful. She is gentle, tender, kind, caring, servant-minded and that – that right there – is beautiful. That is magnificent, raw, deep, and so beautiful.

Christ calls us His beloved.

He has chosen us. He has picked us. He has paid a deep, steep, and immeasurable price for us. For our hearts. A price that holds much more weight than great cheekbones and dainty wrists. A price that is not masked by foundation or silk.

I smile and say “thank you” when someone tells me I look nice. Yes, that is so sweet and kind. How far is that going to get me, though?

Not too far.

Yes, in this world, unfortunately it can sometimes seem like it gets us farther than I believe is fair. However, this life, is not about this life. This life is preparation for eternity. This life is preparation for home. Home with our Father. A home that is so deeply and intrinsically beautiful. A home that is full of “pretty” hearts. Beautiful people do not always look like they walked out of Vogue. Beautiful people, though, will be the ones that listen. The ones that care. The ones that will encourage you and be there for you, when you are down on yourself because you do not look like a woman from Vogue. Guess what. You are not supposed to. You are supposed to look like you, the beautiful way your Father designed you, and strive for a beautiful life – not face.

“Do not let your adorning be external – the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear – but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God’s sight is very precious.” – 1 Peter 3:3-4

“Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.” – Proverbs 31:30

Be Brave, Trust Jesus, Repeat.

Be brave.

If I could tag that on every wall in my house, write it on all of my mirrors, and ink it on my skin, I think I would.
Be. Brave.
Not living a life devoid of fear, but choosing to live boldly in spite of it. To look the things that scare me – with my sweaty palms, racing heart and anxious nausea – straight in the face, and step out into big, hard things anyway. Anxiety is crippling if you let it be and if you aren’t aware enough of your own triggers and reactions, you can spiral hard and fast and be miserable and not know how you got there.

It’s also rather talkative if you know what you are listening for. It whispers that you are so much safer here, in this little sterile bubble. You don’t need to have that hard conversation, set boundaries and hold people accountable to them, love people when it’s hard and you want to quit, keep showing up when it’s not easy to be there, or have the courage to finally walk away when there isn’t any more you can give to a thing. It whispers that you aren’t enough to be brave. Or bold. Or courageous. Because even if you manage to make it look like you are, it’s only a matter of time until someone comes in and exposes you as a fraud.

And it all feels so true. So the terror that arises from the fear of being exposed encloses us into these little boxes that are all at once comforting and suffocating. These boxes that leave us afraid, restless and resentful, because we know that other people are living and breathing and free, and we have no idea how to be them. We chalk it up to the idea that those people, those people who are doing big and exciting and terrifying things are just brave people. There are two groups then, the brave and those of us who are terrified of situations whose odds we can’t stack in our favor.
Except that if the last couple of years have taught me anything, it’s that there aren’t brave people and terrified people. Well…there are, but it’s not because of the inherent differences in people. Brave people are still often anxious and terrified. Because bravery isn’t embodied as those who are never scared.

Bravery is the people who are scared and anxious and refuse to stay home in their little safe boxes, even though the whispering voice of anxiety says they should.

You, whoever and wherever you are, can be brave. If I were to guess, most of you show glimpses of it every day. Every time you do something that makes your stomach clench, or that makes your heart pound when faced with it. It is not something you have to fake, because bravery may be the most genuine thing that exists on this planet.
I’m going to say that again, because goodness gracious it needs to be heard:
You do not need to fake bravery. If you are faking it, I would go so far as to say that it’s not actually brave.
Bravery acknowledges that you are fearful and anxious and unsure, you are just determined enough to take the chance anyway. You are brave when you admit to someone that you are terrified and need help. Or that you failed and need forgiveness and to make amends. Or when you show up again to things that you have failed at before.

Bravery and vulnerability are the kind of best friends that you rarely, if ever, see separated.

When you are brave, you are almost always also in positions to be vulnerable. And when we divorce them, we cheapen bravery somehow.

This stance has forced me to re-evaluate what definition I give to vulnerability. I used to think it was getting up on a stage or platform and telling the horrors of the mistakes of my past to a collection of friends, family and relative strangers. By airing every piece of dirty laundry that I’ve ever had, even when it felt like rubbing salt in road-rash – I was being vulnerable. And I hated it.

That is a brand of vulnerability, most definitely. And sometimes, I’d even say that the Lord asks that of us. But 99% of the time, the way I now define vulnerability is radically different.

It looks like asking for what I need (which is different from the things I want) from the people I love.

It looks like showing up to places and relationships and letting myself be seen, even when I feel woefully inadequate, undesirable and useless.

It looks like valuing people and relationships more than my desire to appear together.

It looks like inviting people who have earned it into the parts of me I’m not proud of – both to hold it with me and to keep me accountable.

It looks like asking for help when I know I’m spiraling, reaching out for wise counsel and therapy when I see myself honestly and recognize what I have defined as normal is not always healthy.

It’s so much smaller to the outside observer, but it’s an every day practice. It’s also really difficult, scary and easy to do poorly.

Do you see why bravery and vulnerability are best friends? That kind of vulnerability requires so much bravery. So much. It also requires so much grace. Because when we do things that are bigger than us, or involve interacting with other people, or taking chances on things that are uncertain, we are bound to fail. I could say we may only fail a few times until we get it all figured out, or until we really embrace Christianity…but that would be a lie. That’s a tenant of the fake it until you make it ideology.

 

The reality is that this life is riddled with failure and missteps and missing the mark. Granted, the kind of sin and failure we experience may look different with Jesus than without Him…but we still fall and fail. Often. And so we rest in grace. Even though it’s uncomfortable, and makes us feel useless to God, we are called to rest in it. And then to admit that we feel lacking and are scared, and to be willing to stare that fear in the face and show up anyway. And then, just as we think we may have found the balancing point, we trip and need forgiveness and grace. And it begins again. We need to be brave, be vulnerable and be utterly dependent on grace. And then do it all over again, and again, and again.

That is bravery. At least this brand of it.

It’s scary, and difficult, and riddled with doing it wrong until you don’t. And doing it right until you don’t, and clinging to grace like a life raft because it’s our unshakable security. It’s worth doing, even when that little voice whispers that it isn’t.

Be brave. Trust Jesus. Repeat.

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