Life Archives

January 5, 2019

2018 – The Year of…

For those of you that have been with us in the beginning, within the wild middle of posts being thrown out weekly, or near the end, THANK YOU!

It breaks my heart that 2016 was the year of soil for my life, then 2017 and 2018 happened and it was like the soil dried up and every good fruit died with it.

Please tell me you relate. Please tell me that I’m not the only woman who has felt like this! Actually, I do know that I’m not the only one. It’s really weird – my friends from college have said things like, “I’m struggling to pray. I am struggling to connect. I just don’t have that fire like we did when we were in college.” Right there with you girlfriend. In college, going to coffee shops and having a bible study was something we loved to do. Now, I am exhausted after an 8-9 hour day of work which means that connecting with the Father and reading the Bible sounds like a chore…a miserable chore. I’ve asked the Lord why I feel this way. I’ve had long discussions with friends about this topic. You know what? The Father answered me and it was brutal.

You didn’t choose Me. You choose the world.

He’s right. Even though I went to church and said a few Christian-ese things in 2018, I wasn’t putting Him first. My spirit could feel the darkness, the bitterness, the anger. I choose to gossip over stepping out of the conversation. I choose to watch endless amounts of TV over choosing to spend time with Him. I chose the world.

This isn’t rocket science. Eat a lot + no exercise =you gain weight.

Just like our spiritual health – no prayer + no Jesus + a little hit of Him like a drug on Sunday morning = a person who feels so detached from the voice of the Lord. I was gaining worldly weight.

2018 was the year of the world. It was the year of me and what I wanted and how I wanted to do it. I’m not saying I did anything criminal or close to it, but I was a fake Christian. I played the part like an Emmy award actress.

2018 wasn’t all bad, fake, news. Around September, I finally took a breath of fresh air – heavenly air. I received this prophetic word that made me cry all the way home. My friend Abby said, “I see Jesus hammering a nail on your head. The nail is truth and righteousness. The nail has cracked your head and you’re stepping out as a new person.”

Truth and righteousness.

Do you ever feel that once you’ve sinned a bunch that God is saying, “Woaaaah! We got to take back her calling. We were not expecting her to do that! Why did we ever think she could do it?” Oh, girl, I’ve felt it. I felt like The Captivating Woman was completely dead because of all that I have done…all the sin I dabbled in. But here is the Father saying, “I am nailing truth and righteousness into you.” I felt like I lost my qualification. Turn to me reading the lineage of Christ (Matthew 1) – imperfect people, people who did things their own way, yet God still allowed them to play a big part in the Kingdom.

My hope, my prayer, my dream for The Captivating Woman is just obedience. The Lord isn’t saying for this to be perfect, for posts to be coming every Tuesday and Thursday, and to have a following as large as SheReadsTruth.

He is calling for obedience. He is calling for connection. He is calling for a beautiful friendship.

January 19, 2017

2016: The year of soil.

I can’t believe that we are in the year 2017. I remember when it was 2000 and people were prepping for Y2K. I was 10 at that time. Thinking about 17 years into my future seemed like eternity. I remember thinking 27 was so old! (insert eye roll) But here we are!

Every year I like to reflect on the past year. It’s fun to see the growth in my life. I can see that the things that were happening in March caused the things that happened in November. I can also see the areas that were rough and how I could of done things differently. My mentor would always tell me to be a better version of yourself in the next year. So even if I had a bad season, I can use those situations as an opportunity for growth.

Since the year is over, we can see the whole time frame. We lived it; we can see it in it’s whole. Now I’m terrible at writing in my journal on a daily basis so it can be hard for me to reflect on the specifics. I couldn’t really tell you how I was exactly feeling in certain months. But I can give a general overview on what God was doing in the year 2016, especially with the soil in my life.

Reflecting is good for you.

I shared on Instagram a quick piece of my reflection of 2016. If you don’t follow me on there, that’s okay! Here’s what I shared on January 1st:

“hey 2017. good to see you. I’ll be honest, I already miss 2016. 2016 was a legit year for me. the soil in my life got healthier. my roots grew deeper and stronger. I saw a field of wildflowers erupt, rich and full of color. I got hurt in 2016. rocked out at many concerts. made friends with strangers in different states. moved to another state. started a new job that allows me to travel – a dream that I’ve carried for many years. cried…a lot. I have watched The Captivating Woman grow. I didn’t brush my hair a lot (I liked the texture of unbrushed hair, alright?) I’ve learned to be more open. I’ve learned more about myself and not being ashamed of my body. I’ve seen God open doors and close many. 2017 will be amazing. I turn 27 in 29 days. I’ll hop on many flights this year. I’ll go to more concerts (crossing my fingers I see Bruno Mars, Johnnyswim, and Joseph this year). my word for the year is: grace. grace on my body. grace when I feel like I am not enough and feel like I can’t offer anything. grace when I haven’t accomplished things. grace for others, especially because I know they will not give me everything I need. I am thankful for y’all. I can’t wait to explore 2017 will you!”

At the beginning of 2016, my church started a long series on the word grow.

With growth, there are different parts to it.

Though you can plant a tree, the soil needs to be just right for the tree to do what it’s supposed to do. With the right amount of water and nutrients, the tree will grow and thus produce fruit. It’s an ongoing cycle. You might have the soil perfect one season, but the next season it could lack all nutrients. Our pastor asked us to pray and see what God wanted us to work on. I was pretty positive God was going to say that 2016 was going to be a year of producing fruit. It wasn’t.

“Sarah, your soil needs to be revived. It’s lacking nutrients. It’s dry. You’re not sitting next to the river to receive what you need.”

I felt so small.

Why?

I’ve been a Christian for many years. I run a Christian website. I mentor young girls. Starting with the soil felt like Christianity 101. I could not be starting with Christianity 101.

But there isn’t a Christianity 101 class that we take when we accept Christ. We just dive in. It’s thrilling. God reminded me that no matter how many years I have known Him, the soil in my life is important and needs to be maintained, dug up, and watered everyday.

So I worked on the soil this year. It was rough. It looked a lot like how my dad maintains the soil in his garden. He’s taking out old plants, digging up the dirt, adding in rich soil, mixing it up, a little water here and there, and then repeating the process when needed.

It takes time.

Because of the process (and yes, it’s a process), I saw amazing things happening. Relationships grew stronger. I began to trust the Lord that He was for me and preparing things ahead of time. I got a grown-up job (#adulting). I was content with myself. I honestly felt beautiful for the first time (something I’ve struggled with for many years). I saw God open some huge doors when I believed, in the past, they could never open up.

The time working on the soil was and is still important. Do I think that I’m done working in the soil? Absolutely not. I believe that it’s something I’ll never stop working on.

This is what I learned in 2016.

I never want to think that I’ve made it with my relationship with Jesus. There will never be a time when I’ve figured it all out. I will go back to the soil, daily. I will sit next to the river of Life. I’ll still feel frustrated when I don’t see change come when I thought it was going to be something new happen at a specific time.

But I’ll see wildflowers bloom.

I’ll see the change from the obedience of just resting next to the river and allowing Him to be the Gardener. He wants me to relentlessly chase after what He has called for me. He has called me to be brave, to jump, to dive when I don’t know what’s below. He wants me to alive. To dream. To dream with others. He wants me to see life as colorful and adventurous, even with the bumps along the way.

He wants me to trust Him fully. He is a friend, a kind and intentional one at that.

He is good and good things are formed by Him.

January 17, 2017

Party of One

Moving out is possibly the biggest turning point in the life of a young adult. You have spent your whole life relying on someone else to do your grocery shopping, to pay your bills, and now you are in the real world. If you are at all like me, you moved out as soon as humanly possible.

I commuted to school from my dad’s house the first eighteen months of my college career. I was ready to move closer to school and cut my nearly hour long commute to and from school down, gain a little independence, and finally have some time to myself – living in a three bedroom house with six other people offers little alone time.

I had a budget.
I had a plan.
I was ready.

I was not ready.

I did not have a first clue about what constituted a ripe avocado, I did not realize how little time it took for bread to get moldy, and I did not know how to manage all my independence. After two months, I was more exhausted then when I was spending at least two hours a day in my car driving.

That is when I discovered meal prepping and having a planner.

I know it is not rocket science. I was not reinventing anything. I was discovering for the first time how important these two well-tested concepts were. I was also discovering how hard it is to go from prepping food for seven people to prepping food for one person, and how hard it is to go from only having to plan your studying to having to plan your whole life.

If, like me, you struggle with knowing how to live life as a party of one, not because of pressure to find a soul mate but because of pressure to be a human, keep reading.

I have found three easy steps that helped me make huge strides toward party of one living: forward thinking, boundaries, and structure.

Forward Thinking – having a plan when you go into the grocery store. Make a weekly meal plan, create lists of what needs to be purchased, and go to the store with all of it in mind (and in hand). I have found that the hardest part is not sticking to the plan at the store, but sticking to the plan throughout the week. If you know on Wednesday night you will not want to spend an hour preparing an amazing lasagna because you have to work late, then make a quick frozen dinner your plan for Wednesday. Set yourself up for a win, not for defeat.
Boundaries – having a plan with your weekly schedule and not backing down. For introverts, this one might be a little easier, but it is still something we all have to learn to do in our planners. Make sure each week in your calendar, you have time set aside to decompress. This could be the day you catch up on your reading, your sleep, or your Netflix binging. Trust me, the best way to avoid burn out is to put this day in your schedule. Know yourself and realize whether you need a full day or can handle just a few hours. Either way, treat this appointment on your calendar like a coffee date with your best friend – rescheduling is ok once or twice, even canceling once in a while is fine with your best friend, but you would not cancel on them week after week or they would probably stop being your best friend.
Structure – creating a pace for your life after college but before family. In college, structure is easy. Well, at least easier. You get the syllabus at the beginning of the quarter/semester; you know when breaks will be for vacation and when to cram for finals. Once this structure goes away, it can be hard to plan your life. For me, graduation seemed freeing: no more homework, no more cram seasons, books I want to read and more time with friends. After the initial excitement weaned, there was sheer panic of how to act like an adult and fill my hours after work. I did not have children to feed and ready for bed, I did not have a husband or boyfriend to plan dates out or in with. What in the world, was I going to do? The truth is, I did not do this well. I would spend super late nights out with friends, followed by lonely weekends in of not talking to single person. Once I found a structure that worked for me (Mondays at small group, Tuesdays by myself, Wednesdays leading high school girls, Thursdays out with friends, etc), it was easier to not find burn out or extreme boredom. It’s weird to think, the one thing I disliked most about high school and college is the one thing I craved as an adult.

These are not new ideas, these are not Pulitzer winning steps, but they are tried and true things that have worked for me, and I hope they work for you. If you have any questions, or further things to add, please let us know!

We’re all in this thing called life together – cue Zac Efron…

November 17, 2016

Learning Gratitude

In case you did not remember, Thanksgiving happens between Halloween and Christmas. If you based your calendar each year around the way stores are decorated, you might have forgotten about Thanksgiving. Our culture certainly throws it in like they have all forgotten. It seems like when we get into November, we begin buying Christmas presents and decorating our homes. The pesky fourth Thursday of the month rolls around and we all collectively scream, “Oh yea! I guess we need to get together, eat a lot, and watch football.”

A day meant to remind us to be thankful has been squeezed between loud parties and presents under the tree.

A day where we should be celebrating all the amazing moments of our year has become another argument in our kitchens on how long the turkey should be cooked.

I want the culture to change.
I cannot do it by myself.

In the book of Luke, chapter 17, there is story of Jesus healing ten lepers. These lepers were standing outside the city because their disease made them unclean and unfit to enter. They yelled at Jesus as He was entering to have mercy on them, probably having heard of who Jesus was and of what He was capable of. Jesus told them to go to the priests and show themselves; as they went they were made clean.

Wow. What a miracle. Ten lepers cleansed.
Of those ten, only one returned to Jesus to say thank you.

Only one.

It is somewhat comforting to hear this story and know the culture of lacking gratitude has existed for over 2,000 years. It is mostly heartbreaking.

There is so much to be grateful for, yet daily we, I, take it for granted.

Jesus is working small and big miracles in my life and I often forget to go back and say thank you. Most of my prayer time is focused on the requests and petitions I have for what’s coming next, and so little of my prayer time on being grateful for all He has already done.

It is no wonder when the fourth Thursday in November comes around each year, I do not even know where to begin. Thankfulness is a craft that needs to be honed, a craft I have not tried very hard to be better at. It starts with daily gratitude in the little things. It starts with me remembering to go back and say thank you.

Therefore, starting now at the end of 2016, I am going to begin each prayer with gratitude. I know some days I will forget. I also know when I remember to give thanks in all circumstances, each day will feel a little easier to handle. Giving thanks is not just a good idea, but something Jesus commanded as He spoke throughout scripture.

Thanksgiving: a day to give thanks. Let us make the next year one of giving thanks.

November 15, 2016

Rethinking Your Commute

I recently changed jobs, and went from living 2 minutes from the school where I worked, to being an hour away on a good day. I’ve never lived more than 10 minutes away from my place of work and school (other than the 2 years of preschool ages 2-4) until now.

I have never minded time in my car, I used to drive home for weekends usually once a month in college, and had a 4 hour drive to myself both directions. Last summer, I took a solo road trip up to Seattle from Bakersfield, and while the trip up there was slow and fun, the trip home happened earlier than I was planning, and I was in my car for 1100 miles without stopping for anything more than gas and food.

There is peace and simplicity when I am in the car.

I definitely yell at semi’s that pass each other, and get frustrated with bad drivers (I make too many references to Driving Miss Daisy), but the vast majority of the time, I enjoy being alone in my car. I sing weird harmonies, or try to sing all of the parts at once and make myself crack up. I listen to audio books on longer trips, I run through random scenarios that will probably never happen, and I have imaginary conversations with people in my life because of said scenarios that I will most likely never have in real life. I’m a little bit more external in my processing, and those hours in my car have helped me process and work through far more than I realize until after the fact.

I also have some of my best conversations with God in the car.

I tend to use distraction as my best method of avoiding dealing with hard things. I am chronically busy between finishing grad school, working two jobs, training for a half marathon, participating in several ministries and trying to find time to blog with any frequency. But when I’m in my car, I can’t send emails, work on papers, work, mentor or minister. It’s just me, with the jumble of things I’d rather not deal with, and God.

I really was expecting to hate this commute. And I admit, the hour in both directions really kills any ability to get things done in the evenings when I finally do get home. I do want to move closer, because a 15 minute commute makes scheduling my life much easier.

But even with all of that, I treasure that hour in the mornings in the car.

I spend more than half of it talking to the Lord, praying for people, conflicts, and relationships. For people I work with, minister with and those that just randomly are on my heart. For my family and my friends as they go into their lives. For myself that I would be more aware of God in the everyday hustle and grind and have peace and direction. For the people I work with in outreach and the community I work in. For the family I will one day have.

Honestly, I’m not sure anything exists that can center you so fully before you encounter traffic, work problems or the little annoying things that come (and add up) with having to get from point A to point B and deal with people. I definitely still am guilty of yelling at semi’s, and people on the road who are annoying to me. I don’t always get into work feeling nearly as zen as I was 30 minutes before. I don’t even go into each morning looking forward to the praying. Sometimes, I procrastinate on it, and get maybe 5 minutes in of hastily mumbled well wishes for my “regulars”.

I can say confidently, though, that my favorite mornings are the ones spent with the Lord, watching the sun rise on this dusty and beautiful valley. It’s definitely not the sunrise that makes the morning (as anyone who knows me can attest to the fact that I’m not very often a willing participant in mornings), but rather time that could be considered wasted, is set aside and guarded as time to spend with the Lord.