The Captivating Woman

Designed with purpose.

10 Things I Wish I Would Have Known at 17

17 year old me knew a lot…or at least she thought she did. The older I get, the more I recognize she didn’t have it quite as together as she thought at the time, and that there was probably a lot of sage advice she should have paid attention to.  The sci-fy nerd in me longs for the day a time machine will let me Back To The Future myself, giving that sage life advice that will save me countless hours of heartache, worry, tears and mint chocolate chip ice cream. Until that day happens, however, I’ve been given an ideal platform to share some of this wisdom in the hopes that it may save you a few hours of heartache, worry, tears and a maybe even a few of those pints of ice cream.

So without further adieu, here are:

10 Things I Wish I Would Have Truly Known at 17

  1. Your mom is right far more often than she gets credit for, and has done so much more for your entire family than you ever saw. Give her more grace than you are inclined to be passing out: she’s only human, even with her flaws she is a truly exceptional mother, she deserves it, and you will come to treasure grace more than you realize right now.
  1. Your dad is one of the biggest blessings in your life, you just don’t know it yet. Even when you do know it, you’ll have to fight through the discomfort to continue embracing it, because there will still be miscommunication, tears and heartache. It is one of the first relationships in your life (though nowhere near the last one) that will require quite a bit of work to repair a couple of decades of broken communication. The work is hard, and there will be times when you’ll want to throw in the towel, but I urge you…don’t give up. It’s worth it, I promise.
  1. You’ll come to a place where you genuinely adore your too-large-family and all of their zany, often flat-out-weird ways, but you don’t always have to agree with them. Nor do you need them to always agree with you. Say it with me slowly: I don’t always need them to agree with me, to be doing something worthwhile. You’ve got to test out your own salvation (and life) with fear and trembling, and sometimes that means that you won’t always arrive at the same conclusions they do.
  1. You were right about needing distance. Treasure your space, but don’t forget to invite people into it. You are just enough introvert that without a safe space to retreat to, it can feel like you are losing your mind. Don’t let people make you feel selfish or lazy for needing that, but don’t fully retreat into your own little hermit world either. Find healthy boundaries and stick to them. It’s lonely by yourself, and you resort to trying to be self-protective when alone too long.
  1. It’s okay to love yourself. It’s hard, and it’s often exhausting, but it’s worth doing. It’s also okay to let people in on the fact that you think there might be something wrong with the way you love yourself. You won’t get the help you need until you start to let some people in on the murky parts that you can’t fix on your own
  1. Some of the best opportunities in your life will seem entirely too big and scary for you to accomplish. You like being naturally good at things and tend to stick with the ones you excel at and shy away from the ones that make you feel lacking. Some of the stuff you attempt will fail miserably, but even more will surprise you with successes along the way. Do things that scare you, say yes to things (within reason) that aren’t totally comfortable. I am not at all advocating for throwing all reservations out the window and doing anything regardless of the consequences – your gut will save you an immense amount of potential trouble by avoiding things that are dangerous and laden with pitfalls. But there are loads of opportunities around you that are scary because you might not be good at them at first, or you might have to be vulnerable and end up getting hurt…consider doing them anyway. The list of things that is immediately terrifying to you is unfortunately long, but don’t settle for things that don’t make your heart pound a little. Be brave, and trust Jesus in scary places.
  1. You will be one of those people who love Jesus and talks about him in weird ways. You can fight it for a long time, but eventually you’ll find yourself using “troll-jesus” in an entirely affectionate way. You get called to fast a lot (which if I know you, garnered an eye roll. It’s not what I would call fun, but it never fails to produce fruit), and you end up having conversations with complete strangers about things the Lord tells you to talk about. It will weird you out, it will feel entirely too charismatic, it will be uncomfortable, you won’t always see the pay off or purpose behind it, but this life with Jesus, even when it’s weird, is most definitely worthwhile.
  1. You will also find yourself ripped from your very sheltered, comfortable existence when you actually let yourself see the agony and the joys in the rest of the world. Don’t avoid it because you are worried about who you’ll be when the chips have fallen – see it, recognize it and feel it. It’s hard and painful sometimes, but it’s the only way you recognize that God called you to be in it too.
  1. Boys. You have this ideology at this point in your life that you will be married by the time you graduate from college. You are entirely too cynical to admit this out loud to anyone, and are currently on a year long fast from boys where you start to discover Jesus in ways you didn’t know were possible. You worry if there will ever be a boy who can see you, and love you for exactly who you are. Spoiler: There is no ring by spring in your college experience. But there are some really wonderful and really atrocious friendships with men (and a few funny stories about dates you didn’t anticipate too). They will shape what you think you want in a partner, and then God comes in and changes what you thought you wanted – time and time again. You don’t realize it yet, but much of what you believe to be true about the types of guys that will be attracted to you is wrong. There are a lot of lies you have to wade through to get down to the truth, and you’ll often be quick to forget the truth at first. There is nothing wrong with you if you make it to 18 without a significant other, or 21, or even 30. Yes it’s older than your parents were when they got married, but you’ll experience so many ways that you aren’t them in the years to come, and come to see that it’s okay to set your own pace on those things. Above all – wait on Jesus to bring the right one. You’ll spend too many hours wondering if this boy or that boy is the one God is preparing for you. When the time comes, you’ll know. Jesus isn’t going to leave you hanging on that – just be patient. Use that time to discover who you are, who Jesus made you to be, and the impact you can have on the world around you by letting him make your broken parts whole.
  1. Finally, life in general pretty much ends up nothing like you thought it would. You aren’t in medical school, you aren’t a doctor. You end up in a field that has everything to do with healthy living, it just isn’t at all what you thought. You might as well begin relaxing that death grip on control now, because it’s going to be years of the Lord being far more in control than you’ll ever be, and it’s going to stress you out. There will be far too many “what comes next” moments for your comfort, but it all works out, even if you don’t see how until you’re in the thick of it. God doesn’t ditch you when things get tricky, stressful or complicated. He leads you through some questionable places, many a result of choices you made, but he doesn’t leave you to do it alone. You don’t get married as young as your original to do list said you should, but you travel, go to a bunch of concerts, eat incredible food, meet wonderful people and have so much to be thankful for. Don’t wish it away for a spouse or a job or a life in the hazy future. So many unbelievably crazy, hard and wonderful things happen in the seasons of your life that you have already deemed “wasted space”,  set aside for nothing more than waiting for life to start. Work hard,  appreciate your insatiable curiosity about everything, and above all trust that if you’re following Jesus, your life, even if it deviates far from your 10 year plan, is not wasted.

Tips for Planning

If you’ve had a conversation with me, even if it’s just for five minutes, you probably already know how OCD I am. I crave organization and order, often to a fault. Because of this need to have everything together, I have developed an obsession with planners and planning. I have tried practically every kind of planner out there, watched more hours of planning videos on YouTube than I care to admit. I’m not saying I’m a planner expert by any means, but I know at least enough to give you a little advice.

  1. Find what works for you functionally. No matter how cute the planner is, if it does not offer what works for you, do not buy it (I’ve said this to myself at least a few times in the Office Aisle at Target). There are so many different types; one of them is bound to work for you. My personal favorite is the planner with the week on two pages. This offers more room for writing in daily tasks than just a monthly planner, but not too much space from a day on one page planner.
  2. Find something you actually want to look at. If it is not cute, I probably will not carry it with me. Plain and simple. If you are the same way, find something you think it cute, but do not sacrifice functionality for cute. If you find something that is plain, but functionally works for you, make it cute. A simple search on YouTube for “Plan With Me” videos will yield thousands of possibilities. I put stickers all over my planner. If it is something I want to look at, I will actually keep it open and use it everyday.
  3. Decide what you want to use the planner for. Is it for school, work, personal activities,or all of them above? Once you’ve decided, keep track. It takes 21 days to create a habit, so stick with it.
  4. Plan the week ahead. I spend every Sunday afternoon looking at the week ahead to plan out all the tasks I need to get done and place them on days that work best. I make a grocery list in my planner on the day I want to go shopping. If everything is in one place, that is when I function best.
  5. Create tasks lists daily. Even if it is something you do everyday, or every week, writing it down and being able to cross it off makes you more likely to put not-so-routine tasks in your planner and actually do them on time.

One of the best reasons I can give for time management is being a person of integrity. When I say I am going to do something, and I do not, I look like someone who is flaky and unreliable. Even if that is not true in the slightest, I can come across that way to my employer, my friends, other people I meet.

And, for all the curious, I use a traveler’s notebook to plan in. Traveler’s notebooks have the capability of housing my journals, my work notes, AND my planner. This works best for me and my brain – a one-stop-shop for all my daily writing needs.

What works best for you? Share your planner pictures and stories in the comments below. I would love to see what you are doing. If you want to see pictures of my planner, I’ll be posting a picture everyday this week on my Instagram, @jhook37.

3 Ways 2016 Can Be Your Best Year Yet

In my annual Christmas cards, I wrote this line: I pray that 2016 will be your best year yet.

I sincerely mean it. I want my friends to have amazing, abundant lives in which God has called us to (John 10:10). Our lives are not easy, but they can be rich in the Lord.

2015 was, by far, my best year and I’m hoping that 2016 will be even better. My prayer for you, my Captivating sisters, is that 2016 will also be your best year.

Here are 3 ways 2016 can be your best year.

Reason 1 – Fast

Let me honest, 2015 started on a sour note. I broke up with a guy (the first guy I had ever dated) 4 days after Christmas. There were a lot of tears entering into 2015. Hannah (one of our Captivating Woman writers) and I decided to fast for 21 days because we desperately needed to hear from God. The fast was difficult. I was hungry and emotionally exhausted. I would be awake until 3 am crying and talking with God. I felt attacked by the enemy. Statements like, “No one will date you” or “You’re not good enough” fled my mind. I had to bind those up, with Satan himself, and send it to the throne. It was powerful. I truly felt that God was on my side and that He was my protector.

For 21 days I wrestled with God, but it was amazing and good. I experienced God in such a different realm which catastrophically changed the way I viewed the Lord and how I spent time with Him. I saw Him as a Father. A Father who heals broken hearts. A Father who is intentional with His children. A Father who I can approach with a kiss.

Whatever you’re craving more than God, you might want to fast from. You can fast from food, social media, sugar, etc. You choose. Not being distracted by these things can cause you to want God even more – it creates a heathy habit of running to God.

Reason 2 – Don’t Make New Years Resolutions

I feel like a failure right at the gate when I create resolutions. I do get excited when I make resolutions, but automatically feel anxious looking at them. I probably accomplish 2 out of the 10 resolutions that I create. Automatically I put an L on my forehead. But you know what?  Change is good. We shouldn’t have a complacent lifestyle where we say, “It is what it is.” So instead of create resolutions for the whole year, create a goal for the month or the week. I’d suggest to make a small goal if you’re making a goal for the week. Make it a little bigger if you’re making a goal for the month. John Maxwell says that it takes 21 days to create a habit. Change is coming, friends. Give it some time. Work with your weeks and months. Be gracious with yourself.

Reason 3 – Create Seasons of Excitement

During the summer I decided I would say yes. Yes to what? Yes to adventure, yes to traveling hours away to be a part of workshops, yes to life. I didn’t want to let money, distance, or people stop me from doing things I’ve always wanted to try. #thesummerofyes is how I titled it. My summer was fun. I traveled to Southern California to learn brush calligraphy and I drove to Canada because, why not? God introduced a lot of new things in my life & my spirit felt refreshed.

What have you been dying to do? What are your dreams? What can you be saying yes to?

We pray that 2016 will be your best year yet. We pray for adventure & whimsy. We pray that God will speak to you in different ways and that you’re heart is ready to receive. 2016 is going to be good. 2016 is going to be fun. 2016 is going to be the year that God is going to some amazing things through women. Don’t miss it.

Let’s Talk about Friendship

Think back to when life was simple as a child and you had no responsibilities. You had all the time in the world to sit with your friends and laugh until your stomach hurt. Now fast forward to adulthood. Life is busy. Stress is never far away. Responsibilities are growing at a rate you sometimes can’t keep up with. What happened to those friends you were once thick as thieves with? Are they still around? Are those relationships still going strong? Have those friendships managed to last over the years? Well, not every person I once called my best friend is still around in my thirties. I’ve learned that as life changes, there is the potential for friendships to change as well, whether we anticipate it or not.

I have a small number of friends who have been in my life since grade school.

Our lives have gone in different directions and thrived at different speeds. We have individually endured our own challenges and setbacks in life. We have laughed together, cried together, and supported each other though tough times.

And while we may not all speak to one another on a daily basis, we are forever connected by the love we have for one another. That sounds like hearts and flowers, doesn’t it? The truth is, some bonds will grow stronger with time, while some will lose it’s intensity for one reason or another. Yes, I still have my faithful few in my corner, but it takes work. It takes an undeniable effort to be there for one another when life becomes more complex with time. More than anything it requires an unconditional love that Christ defines for us in scripture. Sometimes we are successful in this pursuit of being a good friend, while sometimes we aren’t.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
– 1 Corinthians 13:4-7

The love God requires of us doesn’t come with stipulations or clauses. It just is. But I have to admit, to love the way God commands us to is not easy. We as women are emotional beings who are opinionated and driven. We are busy. We are complicated. We are imperfect. Our flesh can be overpowering at times and let’s not start on the power of an ego.

Must we be patient, kind, encouraging, humble, and forgiving? Yes. Indeed that is what a true friendship is built on. This isn’t the kind of love the world encourages. It’s the kind of love that takes strength, patience, and understanding. Some relationships will require more of us than others, but ultimately, to be a good friend we must strive to love God’s way. The scripture reference above would have us to know that if we insert our name in the place of “love” and “it”, much work would be required.

I must admit that there is a season for everything and sometimes letting go of a friendship is very necessary for our own personal growth. How we come to that conclusion should not be influenced by heightened emotions, but rather the Spirit of God. If we find ourselves in a toxic relationship, we should take the time to seek God for guidance and also take a good look in the mirror at our own actions and motives.

The strongest relationships in my life are those built on transparency, honesty, and unconditional love. Like all things that God requires of us, being a good friend calls for us to be intentional and to love as Christ does.

While all friendships don’t work the same or require the same efforts, I’ve come to understand that friendships require sacrifice, intentional gestures of love and support, and an overwhelming amount of empathy. It requires the giving and receiving of grace and an aptitude for letting things go. It calls for us to be the friend we want others to be towards us.

Your Happiness is Important

I’ve been talking with a friend recently about how she hasn’t been happy in our little town. Though she’s attending college, her struggle to make new friends has been difficult. Her drive from home to school and back isn’t pleasant. Her routine doesn’t make her excited.

As we sat down and talked about her action of transferring to another school, I remember being in her shoes about 5 years ago. I had actually moved out of my small town to our state capital – Sacramento. Even though I was in a different place, experiencing new things, I was not happy. I actually got very depressed. I made no friends. I failed exam after exam. After class I would eat and head to my bed to sleep. There was no life in my spirit. My family and friends back home could tell.

Something her mother said reminded me of what my mom told me years ago: You are not happy here. I want you to be happy.

I think, in my case, I didn’t want to disappoint my parents. They were paying for my college and for my expenses, yet I couldn’t even do my job – go to class and get good grades. I thought, “I’ll just try to make myself happy. I’ll wait it out. I’ll finish my last 2 years of college and then find a place that makes me happy.” But it wasn’t happening. I was getting further away from being happy.

My mom said it again: I want you to be happy.

So I decided to change my scenery and move to San Jose. I even decided to change my major; I wasn’t happy with what I was studying.

I think a lot of us women just wait things out because we think that happiness is around the corner.  It might be. There are times when we have to go throw some little low parts to hit the highs. We could be going through a season where God is using an opportunity for us to press into Him. But I know that God doesn’t us to be miserable. I know that there is joy found in Him but He has created this incredible world to experience life, love, and joy.

How many of you have stayed in a relationship longer than you should have? You thought to yourself, “It’s going to get better. We love each other…” But it doesn’t get better, it gets worse.

Maybe you have stayed longer in a job because of the perks it comes with, but everyday you dread spending 8 hours in a place you do not like.

We have the ability to change. We can change the group of friends that we spend time with. We can change churches. Change our diets. Our wardrobes. The paint on our walls.

You DESERVE to be happy.

Your happiness is important.

When your happy, you’re able to function well. You’re able to connect with people easier. You feel more productive. You can even love others better.

You deserve to wake up everyday excited to see what God is doing do and what He is going to show you.

You deserve friends who lift you up with grace and love. You deserve an amazing, healthy, relationship with a man. You deserve to enjoy God’s beauty and adventure for your life.

Not everyday is going to be rainbows and sunshine even when you change things. Change doesn’t automatically promise you happiness. But what I want you to see is that creating a little change can send you in the right direction.

You don’t have to stay stuck where you are. Your feet are plastered in concrete. Sister, it might be scary going out the norm to find renewal of your spirit and mind, but you deserve to be happy.

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