Jesus Archives

September 20, 2016

When I Stopped Growing Spiritually for My Future Husband

For as long as I can remember, I was told to pray for my future husband. “Sarah, pray for him. Pray for his purity. Pray his health. Pray.”

Recently, I’ve found some old journals with prayers for my future husband. I’m sure some of you have journals like that. “My love…where are you? What are you doing currently? Remember that I’m waiting for you.” I feel silly thinking about my little love letters. I’m a romantic at heart and words are my love language, but these letters were a little interesting and somewhat embarrassing. As much as I want to burn them, I just can’t. They are humorous, but sweet.

My prayers soon developed into making sure that I was becoming a woman worth marrying. It was my focus. I thought, “If I serve in church, my future husband would be impressed and more attracted to me.” Or, “If he saw my prayer journal, he would know that I was a Proverbs 31 woman.” I wanted to be everything for a man, even at a young age, that I started using God to make myself look better.

I was serving God to impress a man.

I was using God like men use puppies to gather a group of girls together.

I was growing spiritually for a man and not for the benefit of enhancing my own relationship with Him.

My Facebook posts were little plugs to get men. Who needs Christian Mingle when you can post a Jesus centered status?! Yeah, that’s what I thought.

No wonder I never felt content in my relationship with God – it was all for show. I could feel Him press into my heart and say, “You don’t know Me intimately. You aren’t wanting to know Me. You are using Me to grow for a man, for a future husband, for a future life. But what about now?”

I hope I’m not the only one who does this. I’ve heard from a choir of girls that say they are preparing themselves for marriage. Now before you click out of this, stay with me on this thought.

When we spend time with Jesus and grow with Him, it should be because we love Him and want to be near Him. In doing so, our relationships, our friendships, our work atmospheres will change. It’s just what happens when we want to be with Jesus. The Lord has been slamming me with this thought:

If you want to live like your Father, get to know your Father.

The by-product of spending time with Jesus is a life of hope, peace, and joy. In Him, I find true contentment, my identity, my life.

I know that God doesn’t want me to using Him like a puppy. God wants me to serve Him, love Him, & grow with Him because it’s important for me. I can already tell that if my intention to grow spiritually is solely for a marriage, I will miss out on many things that the Lord wants to do and show – I will highly be disappointed.

Keep praying for your future husband and even your current husband, but remember that your relationship with Jesus is for your benefit foremost. Your relationships will look and feel better when you’ve made your relationship with Jesus your priority.

August 25, 2016

Be Brave, Trust Jesus, Repeat.

Be brave.

If I could tag that on every wall in my house, write it on all of my mirrors, and ink it on my skin, I think I would.

Be. Brave.

Not living a life devoid of fear, but choosing to live boldly in spite of it. To look the things that scare me – with my sweaty palms, racing heart and anxious nausea – straight in the face, and step out into big, hard things anyway. Anxiety is crippling if you let it be and if you aren’t aware enough of your own triggers and reactions, you can spiral hard and fast and be miserable and not know how you got there.

It’s also rather talkative if you know what you are listening for. It whispers that you are so much safer here, in this little sterile bubble. You don’t need to have that hard conversation, set boundaries and hold people accountable to them, love people when it’s hard and you want to quit, keep showing up when it’s not easy to be there, or have the courage to finally walk away when there isn’t any more you can give to a thing. It whispers that you aren’t enough to be brave. Or bold. Or courageous. Because even if you manage to make it look like you are, it’s only a matter of time until someone comes in and exposes you as a fraud.

And it all feels so true. So the terror that arises from the fear of being exposed encloses us into these little boxes that are all at once comforting and suffocating. These boxes that leave us afraid, restless and resentful, because we know that other people are living and breathing and free, and we have no idea how to be them. We chalk it up to the idea that those people, those people who are doing big and exciting and terrifying things are just brave people. There are two groups then, the brave and those of us who are terrified of situations whose odds we can’t stack in our favor.

Except that if the last couple of years have taught me anything, it’s that there aren’t brave people and terrified people. Well…there are, but it’s not because of the inherent differences in people. Brave people are still often anxious and terrified. Because bravery isn’t embodied as those who are never scared.

Bravery is the people who are scared and anxious and refuse to stay home in their little safe boxes, even though the whispering voice of anxiety says they should.

You, whoever and wherever you are, can be brave. If I were to guess, most of you show glimpses of it every day. Every time you do something that makes your stomach clench, or that makes your heart pound when faced with it. It is not something you have to fake, because bravery may be the most genuine thing that exists on this planet.

I’m going to say that again, because goodness gracious it needs to be heard:

You do not need to fake bravery. If you are faking it, I would go so far as to say that it’s not actually brave.

Bravery acknowledges that you are fearful and anxious and unsure, you are just determined enough to take the chance anyway. You are brave when you admit to someone that you are terrified and need help. Or that you failed and need forgiveness and to make amends. Or when you show up again to things that you have failed at before.

Bravery and vulnerability are the kind of best friends that you rarely, if ever, see separated.

When you are brave, you are almost always also in positions to be vulnerable. And when we divorce them, we cheapen bravery somehow.

This stance has forced me to re-evaluate what definition I give to vulnerability. I used to think it was getting up on a stage or platform and telling the horrors of the mistakes of my past to a collection of friends, family and relative strangers. By airing every piece of dirty laundry that I’ve ever had, even when it felt like rubbing salt in road-rash – I was being vulnerable. And I hated it.

That is a brand of vulnerability, most definitely. And sometimes, I’d even say that the Lord asks that of us. But 99% of the time, the way I now define vulnerability is radically different.

It looks like asking for what I need (which is different from the things I want) from the people I love.

It looks like showing up to places and relationships and letting myself be seen, even when I feel woefully inadequate, undesirable and useless.

It looks like valuing people and relationships more than my desire to appear together.

It looks like inviting people who have earned it into the parts of me I’m not proud of – both to hold it with me and to keep me accountable.

It looks like asking for help when I know I’m spiraling, reaching out for wise counsel and therapy when I see myself honestly and recognize what I have defined as normal is not always healthy.

It’s so much smaller to the outside observer, but it’s an every day practice. It’s also really difficult, scary and easy to do poorly.

Do you see why bravery and vulnerability are best friends? That kind of vulnerability requires so much bravery. So much. It also requires so much grace. Because when we do things that are bigger than us, or involve interacting with other people, or taking chances on things that are uncertain, we are bound to fail. I could say we may only fail a few times until we get it all figured out, or until we really embrace Christianity…but that would be a lie. That’s a tenant of the fake it until you make it ideology.

The reality is that this life is riddled with failure and missteps and missing the mark. Granted, the kind of sin and failure we experience may look different with Jesus than without Him…but we still fall and fail. Often. And so we rest in grace. Even though it’s uncomfortable, and makes us feel useless to God, we are called to rest in it. And then to admit that we feel lacking and are scared, and to be willing to stare that fear in the face and show up anyway. And then, just as we think we may have found the balancing point, we trip and need forgiveness and grace. And it begins again. We need to be brave, be vulnerable and be utterly dependent on grace. And then do it all over again, and again, and again.

That is bravery. At least this brand of it.

It’s scary, and difficult, and riddled with doing it wrong until you don’t. And doing it right until you don’t, and clinging to grace like a life raft because it’s our unshakable security. It’s worth doing, even when that little voice whispers that it isn’t.

Be brave. Trust Jesus. Repeat.

March 20, 2016

Passion Week: Palm Sunday

Passion Week (noun): the week between Palm Sunday and Resurrection Sunday. Also known as Holy Week.

“Because of the joy awaiting him, he endured the cross, disregarding its shame. Now he is seated in the place of honor beside God’s throne.” – Hebrews 12:2

Matthew 21: 1-11

As Jesus and the disciples approached Jerusalem, they came to the town of Bethphage on the Mount of Olives. Jesus sent two of them on ahead. “Go into the village over there,” he said. “As soon as you enter it, you will see a donkey tied there, with its colt beside it. Untie them and bring them to me. If anyone asks what you are doing, just say, ‘The Lord needs them,’ and he will immediately let you take them.” This took place to fulfill the prophecy that said, “Tell the people of Jerusalem, ‘Look, your King is coming to you. He is humble, riding on a donkey—riding on a donkey’s colt.’” The two disciples did as Jesus commanded. They brought the donkey and the colt to him and threw their garments over the colt, and he sat on it. Most of the crowd spread their garments on the road ahead of him, and others cut branches from the trees and spread them on the road. Jesus was in the center of the procession, and the people all around him were shouting, “Praise God for the Son of David! Blessings on the one who comes in the name of the Lord! Praise God in highest heaven!” The entire city of Jerusalem was in an uproar as he entered. “Who is this?” they asked. And the crowds replied, “It’s Jesus, the prophet from Nazareth in Galilee.”

John 12: 20-36

Some Greeks who had come to Jerusalem for the Passover celebration paid a visit to Philip, who was from Bethsaida in Galilee. They said, “Sir, we want to meet Jesus.” Philip told Andrew about it, and they went together to ask Jesus. Jesus replied, “Now the time has come for the Son of Man to enter into his glory. I tell you the truth, unless a kernel of wheat is planted in the soil and dies, it remains alone. But its death will produce many new kernels—a plentiful harvest of new lives. Those who love their life in this world will lose it. Those who care nothing for their life in this world will keep it for eternity. Anyone who wants to serve me must follow me, because my servants must be where I am. And the Father will honor anyone who serves me. “Now my soul is deeply troubled. Should I pray, ‘Father, save me from this hour’? But this is the very reason I came! Father, bring glory to your name.” Then a voice spoke from heaven, saying, “I have already brought glory to my name, and I will do so again.” When the crowd heard the voice, some thought it was thunder, while others declared an angel had spoken to him. Then Jesus told them, “The voice was for your benefit, not mine. The time for judging this world has come, when Satan, the ruler of this world, will be cast out. And when I am lifted up from the earth, I will draw everyone to myself.” He said this to indicate how he was going to die. The crowd responded, “We understood from Scripture that the Messiah would live forever. How can you say the Son of Man will die? Just who is this Son of Man, anyway?” Jesus replied, “My light will shine for you just a little longer. Walk in the light while you can, so the darkness will not overtake you. Those who walk in the darkness cannot see where they are going. Put your trust in the light while there is still time; then you will become children of the light.” After saying these things, Jesus went away and was hidden from them.