marriage Archives

November 10, 2016

How Getting Engaged Didn’t Solve my Problems & Why This isn’t the End of my Love Story

A few months ago, I got engaged.

Some of you might have seen it on Instagram. Some of you might have seen my cheesy caption on Facebook. You might have squealed in excitement, you might have sent me a text or given me a giant hug. Some of you, might have sighed, might have been slightly disappointed, thinking about another random girl on your Instagram explore page getting engaged and wondering if it would ever be you. Some of you might have seen a guy getting on his knee and began to question your own worth, your own beauty, your own value.

Today, I am here to tell you something different.

You see, it would be easy, so incredibly easy, for me to sit here and tell you why I love this phase of my life. I could babble on about how he proposed, exactly what he said when he got down on one knee, but I have chosen not to do that. I am here to tell you something different. Something so much more wildly important than my own proposal story. Something I don’t think people hear enough. Something us engaged girls aren’t telling the world.

Getting engaged didn’t change me.

Getting engaged has not made me perfect.

I know what you’re thinking, because I have thought it too. I have watched friends and sisters get engaged, plan weddings, try on wonderful dresses, and I have sat there believing that they have it all together. They have finally made it.

I wish I could tell you that I have finally made it. That after the proposal have been sweet bliss. That all of the sudden, my hidden insecurities and comparisons have dissipated. But they haven’t. I make phone calls and look at wedding venues and still long to be perfect. I still look at other girls and wonder if I could just me more like them, while the world and you, probably believe I must feel so entirely loved. I still walk in anxiety even though I am planning a wedding. I still live in fear even though I have found “the one.”

This ring hasn’t changed me. Because a man getting down on one knee hasn’t fixed me.

You, my dear friends, are not seeing the whole story. You don’t have the complete picture. A long time ago, God started writing my love story and it didn’t end or begin with Jake saying I love you. So that is what I am here to tell you. Not the dreams of my wedding, not the marriage I hope to have. I am here to tell you that God started a work in me and you a long time ago, and one proposal isn’t the whole story.

I was sixteen when I thought I found the one. I fell for the bliss of being wanted and was intoxicated with the infatuation of being “loved.” That love I believed in as a sixteen year old girl was not the action type of love, not the sacrifice type of love, but the love that contained a lot of empty promises and shattered hearts. God started writing my love story when that boy told me he loved me, and when three years later, he told me that love no longer existed. I believed in a love that didn’t persist, and God picked me up, found me in my mess, and told me he was going to redefine my definition of love.

I spent a lot of time healing, which is the nice way of saying I spent a lot of time crying and calling my best friends on the phone. I spent a lot of time questioning if I had any worth at all, believing the undeniable lie that when a boy tells you he doesn’t love you, you are entirely unloveable. I had no idea what love was and no clue what God was doing. But you see, this is the story. This is what I want to tell you. This is not what you see when you look at my engagement post on Instagram. You don’t see the hurt. You don’t see the healing. You don’t see the story Jesus began writing a long time ago. But it’s important. Don’t miss it.

A year later, is when I met Jake. A good part of me had sworn of love and I was confident in living the single life until Jesus called me home. I never wanted to date again, because dating left me messy and broken and confused. But Jake was kind and gentle, and spoke of The Lord with boldness that inspired me. He heard of my past and told me I was worth it. Jesus was writing my love story, going fierce with a pen and paper I couldn’t yet see.

Now, I am engaged to that same boy who made me laugh while drinking black coffee, and though I am giddy with excitement, I am still here. I am still messy. I am still struggling. I still cried in the car last night because I am just so overwhelmed. Jesus is still writing, still working on my definition of love, still chasing after the heart that I tried to give away when I was 16 to a boy who didn’t want it. When you look at me, at my ring, at my wedding, I don’t want you to see a girl you believe has finally made it. I want you to see the whole story. The beautiful script Jesus started writing a long time ago. The story that broke me and healed me and made me new. The story that is still being written.

This post is for you, the single girl who believes no boy will love her.

The girl who just ended the relationship she thought would last a lifetime. The girl who sighed, or maybe even cried, when she say another proposal on Instagram. This post is for the girl waiting on her boyfriend to propose, believing that all of life’s problems will be solved when she finally has a ring. I am no more loved, no more cherished, no more adorned than you are, right here, in this moment. This ring on my finger does not make me more lovely, more worthy, more valuable. This ring symbolizes the never ending love story God is writing. And believe me. He is writing yours too.

You, yes you.

You are more loved than you will ever know.

September 20, 2016

When I Stopped Growing Spiritually for My Future Husband

For as long as I can remember, I was told to pray for my future husband. “Sarah, pray for him. Pray for his purity. Pray his health. Pray.”

Recently, I’ve found some old journals with prayers for my future husband. I’m sure some of you have journals like that. “My love…where are you? What are you doing currently? Remember that I’m waiting for you.” I feel silly thinking about my little love letters. I’m a romantic at heart and words are my love language, but these letters were a little interesting and somewhat embarrassing. As much as I want to burn them, I just can’t. They are humorous, but sweet.

My prayers soon developed into making sure that I was becoming a woman worth marrying. It was my focus. I thought, “If I serve in church, my future husband would be impressed and more attracted to me.” Or, “If he saw my prayer journal, he would know that I was a Proverbs 31 woman.” I wanted to be everything for a man, even at a young age, that I started using God to make myself look better.

I was serving God to impress a man.

I was using God like men use puppies to gather a group of girls together.

I was growing spiritually for a man and not for the benefit of enhancing my own relationship with Him.

My Facebook posts were little plugs to get men. Who needs Christian Mingle when you can post a Jesus centered status?! Yeah, that’s what I thought.

No wonder I never felt content in my relationship with God – it was all for show. I could feel Him press into my heart and say, “You don’t know Me intimately. You aren’t wanting to know Me. You are using Me to grow for a man, for a future husband, for a future life. But what about now?”

I hope I’m not the only one who does this. I’ve heard from a choir of girls that say they are preparing themselves for marriage. Now before you click out of this, stay with me on this thought.

When we spend time with Jesus and grow with Him, it should be because we love Him and want to be near Him. In doing so, our relationships, our friendships, our work atmospheres will change. It’s just what happens when we want to be with Jesus. The Lord has been slamming me with this thought:

If you want to live like your Father, get to know your Father.

The by-product of spending time with Jesus is a life of hope, peace, and joy. In Him, I find true contentment, my identity, my life.

I know that God doesn’t want me to using Him like a puppy. God wants me to serve Him, love Him, & grow with Him because it’s important for me. I can already tell that if my intention to grow spiritually is solely for a marriage, I will miss out on many things that the Lord wants to do and show – I will highly be disappointed.

Keep praying for your future husband and even your current husband, but remember that your relationship with Jesus is for your benefit foremost. Your relationships will look and feel better when you’ve made your relationship with Jesus your priority.

May 24, 2016

The Gilmore Girls Did Not Prepare Me For Marriage

Fall in love with someone who doesn’t make you think love is hard. -Anonymous

I was perusing the interwebs the other day and I came across this quote on Pinterest.

From a quick glance and move on perspective, many people may not realize how this type of thinking could play out in their own relationships. Some may think “Yes! This is exactly what I am looking for, or “If only a man out there like this existed…”

When my husband and I started dating, he was the first man to ever call me out in love about my heart issues. I had no idea the amount of unforgiveness, anger, and fear I was holding onto. Of course, when we are called out in our sin our first reaction is not often resulting in a bear hug of thankfulness for them making you see the light. (If this is you? Oh bless you…)

My reactions came from the overflow of what existed in my heart, which meant it was not always pretty. I started to become discontent.

The reality is, love and marriage is not easy. Sin is painful. Happiness is not pursuable because it is ever changing. Contentment is pursuable because it is rooted in Christ, who is unchanging.

Marriage is designed for the purpose of becoming holy and more like Christ.

All I know is Gilmore Girls could not have prepared me for this…

To be content in my marriage meant that I needed to run to God and ask him what it means to be in a marriage that is glorifying to him. Then be willing to have him show me the areas in which I needed a full on rehabilitation of my thinking.

To erase my views and expectations that I had learned growing up watching tv shows, listening to pop songs, and even the marriages I saw with my own eyes. I needed to start with a blank slate that was based on Jesus and him alone.

God started to reveal to me that being content in my marriage meant quite a few things.

#1 – Having a strong foundation in knowing where your identity comes from is crucial in marriage. The thing is, my husband is human! He is sinful as well, and so to be content in my marriage meant that I needed to know up front that Jose would disappoint me. That grace and understanding would be a pivotal part of being married. Forgiveness should be handed out not when my husband deserves it, but out of the thankfulness of the grace that is given to me daily from God. I still struggle with the truth that my identity in Christ still exists, even when my husband and I are not on the same page. This is a work in progress.

#2 – I started to realize that the biggest obstacle in my marriage is not my husband, finances, school, his mistakes, but it was me. I am the biggest obstacle in my marriage. To be content meant that I needed to truly surrender my marriage to The Lord. To hand him my marriage knowing he is working on Jose. Working on the man of God he is creating him to be, and I needed to focus on my walk with Jesus and the woman he is creating me to be. The state of your vertical relationship (You & God) is what allows you to have healthy and God honoring horizontal relationships (You & Others).

#3 – lastly, is comparison. Deadly comparison that likes to seep into our thoughts and make us feel like what we have is not good enough. It is that Instagram post that you saw of your friend and her husband going on vacation, or the flowers that her husband brought home just because, or the sweet hand holding you see while on a double date. Comparison will kill the beautiful marriage that God has given you.

It will discourage the man you love and create an environment of insecurity. I know this because I have walked on this road before. Sister look at your husband with a thankful heart. Look at the man that God is molding before your eyes (remember sanctification is rough!), and as I type this I am saying this to myself as well. Be thankful that God has chosen you above all other women to walk with your husband and be there to witness and see the man of God he is laying out before you.

Being content in marriage can be a struggle because our flesh will always be looking for more. To be content is to keep our desires in check, and if they are not in line with what God has for you as his daughter, and you as a wife. Chuck em out of the window! His desires for you will always be sweeter, than the temporary fix we tend to cling onto.

Contentment will not happen overnight, but embrace the process sister! I promise you it will be worth it.

[ If you are in a relationship that is abusive and harmful, this is not a post for you to learn how to be content. Sister, please reach out to someone you trust that can help you get out of this environment, and truly know that you are a beloved daughter of a King. ]

February 4, 2016

What I’ve Learned in Marriage

I met my husband Wes when I was 19. He was 24. A whirlwind of a year later, we were married! Now, I’m 25 and he’s 31. Since it’s almost Valentine’s Day, I’m going to share a little of what God has revealed to me about love through five years of marriage and share my perspective on getting married at a young age.

Marriage is a powerfully tangible metaphor for God’s love. The love and incredible bond between a married couple is just a glimpse of a believer’s relationship with God and of God’s love for His children. I had a basic understanding of this idea before getting married, but now it becomes more evident to me everyday. 1 Corinthians 13:12-13 reads, “For now we see indistinctly, as in a mirror, but then face to face. Now I know in part, but then I will know fully, as I am fully known. Now these three remain: faith, hope, and love. But the greatest of these is love.” This passage perfectly articulates that the mystery of God’s love is partially revealed to us here on earth in a unique way though marriage and that it will be fully revealed to us when we reach Heaven.

Marriage has also taught me about the necessity of relying on God to be able to love well. John 13:34-35 reads, “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.” This passage of scripture has been really important to me in regard to my work in ministry and in simply modeling my life after Jesus’. Yet after five years of marriage, this passage has taken on a new meaning because, after the newlywed/head-over-heels love wears off and life gets tough, I’ve realized that any love I can muster on my own just isn’t enough. Human love runs out, gives up, and gets old, but God’s love never fails. It’s only by abiding in and operating out of His love that I am able to love unconditionally.

The past five years have also given me a new outlook on getting married young. I’ve often heard it said that someone shouldn’t get married until he or she has experienced X, Y, and Z, and knows who he or she is – as if there has to be a certain amount of self-understanding before a person can make the unfathomably weighty commitment of marriage. This was definitely not true for me. I was 20 when I got married and, while I had every confidence that marrying Wes was the right thing to do, I was still in college, jobless, moving to a new city, and unsure of what I wanted to do in life. I wasn’t even completely sure of my calling, yet I knew without a shadow of a doubt that God would reveal whatever He had in store for me over time and that that time would include being married to Wes. In a sense, I didn’t know what I was doing but I knew it was ok.

I’ve learned the incredibly special thing about getting married young is that you get to figure out life together, and together is better. “Two are better than one because they have a good reward for their efforts. For if either falls, his companion can lift him up…” (Eccl. 4:9-10).

This Valentine’s Day, if you’re pondering love and maybe even the leap of faith that is marriage, know that’s only by God’s love that any love is possible. If God’s plan for you includes marriage, whether while you’re young or later in life, rest assured that love happens in His timing. That timing might seem crazy when it happens, but that’s ok, because God knows what He’s doing even when we don’t.