The Captivating Woman

Designed with purpose.

When I Stopped Growing Spiritually for My Future Husband

For as long as I can remember, I was told to pray for my future husband. “Sarah, pray for him. Pray for his purity. Pray his health. Pray.”

Recently, I’ve found some old journals with prayers for my future husband. I’m sure some of you have journals like that. “My love…where are you? What are you doing currently? Remember that I’m waiting for you.” I feel silly thinking about my little love letters. I’m a romantic at heart and words are my love language, but these letters were a little interesting and somewhat embarrassing. As much as I want to burn them, I just can’t. They are humorous, but sweet.

My prayers soon developed into making sure that I was becoming a woman worth marrying. It was my focus. I thought, “If I serve in church, my future husband would be impressed and more attracted to me.” Or, “If he saw my prayer journal, he would know that I was a Proverbs 31 woman.” I wanted to be everything for a man, even at a young age, that I started using God to make myself look better.

I was serving God to impress a man.

I was using God like men use puppies to gather a group of girls together.

I was growing spiritually for a man and not for the benefit of  enhancing my own relationship with Him.

My Facebook posts were little plugs to get men. Who needs Christian Mingle when you can post a Jesus centered status?! Yeah, that’s what I thought. 

No wonder I never felt content in my relationship with God – it was all for show. I could feel Him press into my heart and say, “You don’t know Me intimately. You aren’t wanting to know Me. You are using Me to grow for a man, for a future husband, for a future life. But what about now?”

I hope I’m not the only one who does this. I’ve heard from a choir of girls that say they are preparing themselves for marriage. Now before you click out of this, stay with me on this thought.

When we spend time with Jesus and grow with Him, it should be because we love Him and want to be near Him. In doing so, our relationships, our friendships, our work atmospheres will change. It’s just what happens when we want to be with Jesus. The Lord has been slamming me with this thought:

If you want to live like your Father, get to know your Father.

The by-product of spending time with Jesus is a life of hope, peace, and joy. In Him, I find true contentment, my identity, my life.

I know that God doesn’t want me to using Him like a puppy. God wants me to serve Him, love Him, & grow with Him because it’s important for me. I can already tell that if my intention to grow spiritually is solely for a marriage, I will miss out on many things that the Lord wants to do and show – I will highly be disappointed.

Keep praying for your future husband and even your current husband, but remember that your relationship with Jesus is for your benefit foremost. Your relationships will look and feel better when you’ve made your relationship with Jesus your priority.

The Gilmore Girls Did Not Prepare Me For Marriage

Fall in love with someone who doesn’t make you think love is hard.  -Anonymous

I was perusing the interwebs the other day and I came across this quote on Pinterest.

From a quick glance and move on perspective, many people may not realize how this type of thinking could play out in their own relationships. Some may think “Yes! This is exactly what I am looking for, or “If only a man out there like this existed…”

When my husband and I started dating, he was the first man to ever call me out in love about my heart issues. I had no idea the amount of unforgiveness, anger, and fear I was holding onto. Of course, when we are called out in our sin our first reaction is not often resulting in a bear hug of thankfulness for them making you see the light. (If this is you? Oh bless you…)  

My reactions came from the overflow of what existed in my heart, which meant it was not always    pretty. I started to become discontent.

The reality is, love and marriage is not easy. Sin is painful. Happiness is not pursuable because it is ever changing. Contentment is pursuable because it is rooted in Christ, who is unchanging.

Marriage is designed for the purpose of becoming holy and more like Christ.

All I know is Gilmore Girls could not have prepared me for this…

To be content in my marriage meant that I needed to run to God and ask him what it means to be in a marriage that is glorifying to him. Then be willing to have him show me the areas in which I needed a full on rehabilitation of my thinking.

To erase my views and expectations that I had learned growing up watching tv shows, listening to pop songs, and even the marriages I saw with my own eyes. I needed to start with a blank slate that was based on Jesus and him alone.

God started to reveal to me that being content in my marriage meant quite a few things.

#1 – Having a strong foundation in knowing where your identity comes from is crucial in marriage. The thing is, my husband is human! He is sinful as well, and so to be content in my marriage meant that I needed to know up front that Jose would disappoint me. That grace and understanding would be a pivotal part of being married. Forgiveness should be handed out not when my husband deserves it, but out of the thankfulness of the grace that is given to me daily from God. I still struggle with the truth that my identity in Christ still exists, even when my husband and I are not on the same page. This is a work in progress.

#2 – I started to realize that the biggest obstacle in my marriage is not my husband, finances, school, his mistakes, but it was me. I am the biggest obstacle in my marriage. To be content meant that I needed to truly surrender my marriage to The Lord. To hand him my marriage knowing he is working on Jose. Working on the man of God he is creating him to be, and I needed to focus on my walk with Jesus and the woman he is creating me to be. The state of your vertical relationship (You & God) is what allows you to have healthy and God honoring horizontal relationships (You & Others).

#3 – lastly, is comparison. Deadly comparison that likes to seep into our thoughts and make us feel like what we have is not good enough. It is that Instagram post that you saw of your friend and her husband going on vacation, or the flowers that her husband brought home just because, or the sweet hand holding you see while on a double date. Comparison will kill the beautiful marriage that God has given you.

It will discourage the man you love and create an environment of insecurity. I know this because I have walked on this road before. Sister look at your husband with a thankful heart. Look at the man that God is molding before your eyes (remember sanctification is rough!), and as I type this I am saying this to myself as well. Be thankful that God has chosen you above all other women to walk with your husband and be there to witness and see the man of God he is laying out before you.

Being content in marriage can be a struggle because our flesh will always be looking for more. To be content is to keep our desires in check, and if they are not in line with what God has for you as his daughter, and you as a wife. Chuck em out of the window! His desires for you will always be sweeter, than the temporary fix we tend to cling onto.

Contentment will not happen overnight, but embrace the process sister! I promise you it will be worth it.

[ If you are in a relationship that is abusive and harmful, this is not a post for you to learn how to be content. Sister, please reach out to someone you trust that can help you get out of this environment, and truly know that you are a beloved daughter of a King. ]  

The 5 Love Languages

“What is your love language?”  

When I was first asked that question, I had a look of utter confusion.  Before that moment, I have never heard of a “love language”. I didn’t know that love had it’s own language.

First off…

What is a love language?

How do I know what my love language is?

How can a love language help me in my life?

My friend let me borrow his copy of The 5 Love Languages so I can see what all the hype was really about. Gary Chapman shares that there are 5 love languages that people can express. These love languages are: gifts, quality time, words of affirmation, acts of service, and physical touch. Your love language may be different in the way you receive or give love.

Now I am not a big reader, so when I decide to pick up a book it better grab my attention. I finished the book within 72 hours. It was so enlightening! I was so into this book and that I could not wait to take the quiz to see what love language reigns supreme in my life.  

Yet shortly after all the excitement of discovering my love language, I asked myself, “How can I apply this to my life?” At the time I was single and was nowhere close to even starting a romantic relationship. What was the point of reading this book?

I then began to evaluate my friends and paid close attention to their actions. My friends are unique in wonderful ways and each of them give and receive different love languages. I realized that this idea of a love language can be used to help build my friendships with those around me. It’s not just for romantic relationships; It’s also for maintaining and building the platonic relationships that currently surround me.  

Something I want to reiterate again is: your love language may be different in the way you receive or give love. You might feel loved more by receiving hugs over receiving gifts, but you may love giving gifts as an expression of love. Paying attention to this can help you understand your friends as well as yourself.

We have been fearfully and wonderfully made. God created us all in unique, remarkable ways, that make us the women we are today. I mean, how boring would it be if God gave us all the same love language? Life would be pretty bland. God is extremely creative, and He truly put time, effort, and love into each and every one of us.

My challenge to you this Valentine’s season, is to apply this idea of a love language to all the relationships in your life. See how your relationships with your family, friends, and loved ones grow by speaking their “language”. 

So what’s the first step? Grab a copy of The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Last. If you don’t want to read the book, take the quiz!

Your Happiness is Important

I’ve been talking with a friend recently about how she hasn’t been happy in our little town. Though she’s attending college, her struggle to make new friends has been difficult. Her drive from home to school and back isn’t pleasant. Her routine doesn’t make her excited.

As we sat down and talked about her action of transferring to another school, I remember being in her shoes about 5 years ago. I had actually moved out of my small town to our state capital – Sacramento. Even though I was in a different place, experiencing new things, I was not happy. I actually got very depressed. I made no friends. I failed exam after exam. After class I would eat and head to my bed to sleep. There was no life in my spirit. My family and friends back home could tell.

Something her mother said reminded me of what my mom told me years ago: You are not happy here. I want you to be happy.

I think, in my case, I didn’t want to disappoint my parents. They were paying for my college and for my expenses, yet I couldn’t even do my job – go to class and get good grades. I thought, “I’ll just try to make myself happy. I’ll wait it out. I’ll finish my last 2 years of college and then find a place that makes me happy.” But it wasn’t happening. I was getting further away from being happy.

My mom said it again: I want you to be happy.

So I decided to change my scenery and move to San Jose. I even decided to change my major; I wasn’t happy with what I was studying.

I think a lot of us women just wait things out because we think that happiness is around the corner.  It might be. There are times when we have to go throw some little low parts to hit the highs. We could be going through a season where God is using an opportunity for us to press into Him. But I know that God doesn’t us to be miserable. I know that there is joy found in Him but He has created this incredible world to experience life, love, and joy.

How many of you have stayed in a relationship longer than you should have? You thought to yourself, “It’s going to get better. We love each other…” But it doesn’t get better, it gets worse.

Maybe you have stayed longer in a job because of the perks it comes with, but everyday you dread spending 8 hours in a place you do not like.

We have the ability to change. We can change the group of friends that we spend time with. We can change churches. Change our diets. Our wardrobes. The paint on our walls.

You DESERVE to be happy.

Your happiness is important.

When your happy, you’re able to function well. You’re able to connect with people easier. You feel more productive. You can even love others better.

You deserve to wake up everyday excited to see what God is doing do and what He is going to show you.

You deserve friends who lift you up with grace and love. You deserve an amazing, healthy, relationship with a man. You deserve to enjoy God’s beauty and adventure for your life.

Not everyday is going to be rainbows and sunshine even when you change things. Change doesn’t automatically promise you happiness. But what I want you to see is that creating a little change can send you in the right direction.

You don’t have to stay stuck where you are. Your feet are plastered in concrete. Sister, it might be scary going out the norm to find renewal of your spirit and mind, but you deserve to be happy.

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