The Captivating Woman

Designed with purpose.

“Are We There Yet?”

Deuteronomy 1:21 – Look, the Lord your God has set the land before you; go up and possess it, as the Lord God of your fathers has spoken to you; do not fear or be discouraged.

Deuteronomy 12:28 – Observe and obey all these words which I command you, that it may go well with you and your children after you forever, when you do what is good and right in the sight of the LORD your God.

Traveling is one of our little family’s favorite bonding moments. Every time my husband and I would tell our little love bug that we are going on a trip, she gets excited. It doesn’t matter whether it is a short or long one; it just makes her giddy. She would ask us to prepare her stuff and would even offer to help long before the anticipated occasion. And when the day finally arrives, her enthusiasm heightens.

While on the road, she would keep asking what the place is like, what fun activities we are going to do and other questions like that. Though she would not admit she’s grown impatient, one of the questions that she would repeatedly ask as we are on our way is,

“Mom, are we there yet?”

God’s people, the Israelites had also experienced one of the longest travel times in their history (I suppose). What could be traversed in 40 days took them 40 years. I guess most of them didn’t stop asking the same question my daughter has asked me. The Promised Land was a long way to go. It would have been a short trip though. From “Go [there] and possess!” to “Got here!” could have happened simply in less than two months, but it didn’t come about. Constantly, they grumbled and complained. They wore Moses out, God’s appointed leader to them. They made God angry. That is why, instead of bringing them straight to Canaan, the Lord repeatedly made a detour and let them wander in the wilderness.

Nevertheless, Moses never stopped telling and reminding them about God’s “road signs and warnings” so they could get to possess the land flowing with milk and honey. And when the Israelites had finally chosen to keep God’s word, obey them and “do what is good and right in the sight” of the Lord their God, in due course, they conquered the land.

Just like the Israelites, I know the Lord has given me my own promised land.

Like my daughter, I am also excited to see what it looks like, what I am going to do there or what God would have me do there. But traveling to my “land flowing with milk and honey” is not a walk in the park. Every so often I would ask the Lord, “Am I there yet?” The eagerness and anticipation to get there, from time to time, wanes. All that really matters in my myopic mind is where I am going. I’m also wondering how to get there in my seemingly perfect time and in my own selfish way. God has a different plan though.

He is not after my promised land, my destination. He is more concerned about my journey and the preparation of my heart.

The Israelites weren’t prepared to get to Canaan. Their hearts and minds were obstinate. They only knew how to complain. They were ungrateful. They always notice what they didn’t have and never looked at what they had.

In the same way I am every bit an Israelite. As thrilled as I am to claim God’s promised land to me, I know my heart still needs a little fixing here and there. There are times that I am ungrateful. I overlook the simple but meaningful blessings that God is showering me with. I tend to look at the other side of the fence thinking that it has always the greener pasture. I’m stubborn. I complained (a lot). I know I have failed Him too many times.

God however is so patient with me; sending me still His pillar of cloud and fire to guide and lead me.

God led the Israelites to the wilderness not because He could not keep His promise, but because He wanted them to keep His Word in their hearts; to wholly trust and obey Him.

Today, you may be traveling right now towards your Promised Land but it still seems so far away. “Am I there yet, Lord?” maybe our untiring question. Remember that He is not finished with you yet. He knows how to keep His word. He is bringing you where you are supposed to be. This season of wondering and wandering in the wilderness is God’s season of pruning. He is just preparing you, your heart, your whole being. Trust Him in the wilderness. And in His beautiful and appointed time, you will see the “land flowing with milk and honey” that is promised to you.

Steady Heart

All of us, everyday, come to put our faith, our worth, our trust, our hope, in something, or someone. For many of us, that may look like a significant other, a parent, a close friend, and at times, God. I want to challenge you with a thought today- if God was the only person you had left to put these in- Would you be okay? Would it rock your entire world?

Well, if that thought scares you; that’s understandable. Yet it’s a very real reality each of us may face one day, and we need to come to terms with it.

For me, being a believer, I strongly felt that the place I put all of my faith was in God. Until the day I lost my Dad.

My Dad and I had a relationship where basically anytime my life was falling apart, he’d fix it. I called him for everything. “Dad my car is making a strange noise!!” Or “Dad this guy was so mean to me today and I got a parking ticket and I have no money and had the worst week ever!” Whatever it was, my Dad always made it better. “Sweetie it’s okay, don’t worry. Just pray. You’re beautiful. I’ll fix it. I’ll pay for it.” And he called me and texted me all the time, always encouraging even when I was annoyed and never responded. Most of the time I took his ever presence in my life for granted and just thought to myself “he’ll always love me and he’ll always be there.” Although that was true, it wasn’t in the way I imagined it to be.

February 11th was like most days. My Grandpa had passed away a few days before so my Dad was a little more pushy with texts than normal. But I was being short with him because I missed my Grandpa. He wanted me to call that morning so he could record something for the funeral, but being my 22 stressed out college student self, I said “Dad!!! Can I please just call tomorrow?!” He finally agreed. I figured it wasn’t a big deal, since I was seeing him that weekend anyways and I had a huge midterm due later so it was understandable. Tragically, that weekend never came. And tomorrow morning would be too late.

I finished my final and as I drove home that night, I received a phone call that my Dad had a heart attack. He took his last breath at 8:20pm.

This reality sank in hard. Everything was gone in just a moment. Every opportunity I thought I had to tell him I loved him. To give him the picture I painted for his birthday. To thank him for always being there. Gone. And the scariest part was the reality that I was now alone. The person who was always there to fix everything, that made everything better, is gone, and isn’t coming back.
As painful as this was to realize, and as heartbroken as I am, there is something profound that has come out of losing my Dad. God has brought me to fully put everything in him, and in return has given me a steady heart.

Now, when I feel broken, when I’m scared, when I feel unworthy, I call upon Jesus. Yes, it is hard not having my Dad, but I learned an invaluable lesson on where my faith needs to be. Where my hope and my trust should be placed. And it’s fully in the hands of God.

I’m not saying don’t love your loved ones, or rely on them. Because God put them in your life for a reason. But realize it is Gods love you should rely on ultimately. Don’t lose sight of the SOURCE of the love that you feel. Keep your relationship with God a top priority and don’t take it for granted. God has innumerable strength; and unending, unwavering love. Lean into it. Abide in it.
When you put your hope in things of the world, your heart will feel uneasy. So instead, put your trust, hope, faith, and worth in God and He will give you in return a steady heart.

“The LORD will work out his plans for my life–for your faithful love, O LORD, endures forever. Don’t abandon me, for you made me.” -Psalm 138:8

Settling For Normal

“I know that you aren’t fearless, but the fact that you routinely set your sights on things that are big and a little bit outlandish, even when they scare you, is one of the things I love most about you. It’s one of the traits that I’m most proud of you for.”

So said my mother last week. It may have been the very best compliment I’ve received from anyone, ever.

Bravery is so hard. It gets even harder when we give fear more power in our lives than we should. Fear is one of those things that multiplies when left alone in the dark, and takes root much more broadly than it first appears. Kind of like mint. Mint is delicious, and I love having fresh mint on hand for things, but if you put it in the ground, you had better be vigilant about making sure that sucker doesn’t spread. It has these creeper vines that just move outward from where it’s planted, and when you see those vines spreading, you can bet they’ve already put down roots to wherever they’ve gone. And from there it keeps getting bigger, and taking over more space and sending out even more vines that set down roots until every available amount of space is covered – both above and below ground.

I may have been naive in my assumption, but I never thought of myself as a fearful person. Sure, social interaction when I don’t know at least 3 people in the room freaked me out, public speaking, anything where people can weigh in on my performance and by default my ability, singing the melody freaked me out if I’m flying solo, having too many people look at me, being alone in the dark, being vulnerable and having my attempts at connection rejected, failure in general, letting down the people I care about, giving bad advice…and probably a good amount more.

I think for a long time I avoided as many of the above situations as humanly possible, I kept the “mint” as contained as I thought I could, but I missed out on the fact that there was an entire network system under the surface that was alive and well. I am part of a generation that often wears anxiety disorders and insecurity like a badge of honor, and it becomes so much easier to write it off as normal, rather than address the fact that it may not be healthy. I was plenty brave in the things I was willing to let Jesus into, but kept a tight grip on the parts I’d rather not deal with. It became something I didn’t even need to pray about really, unless I was in the thick of an extremely difficult situation, because it was my normal. Normal and healthy are not interchangeable. Normalcy is not the same thing as wholeness. And I wonder if, like me, many Christians settle for their “normal” rather than running to Jesus to be made whole.

If that is the case, I have news for you friends: Jesus doesn’t call us to things that don’t scare us. It’s just not the way He operates. Frankly, it should scare us, because we can’t do it properly when we do it by ourselves, and relinquishing control is always a scary thing.

I want a life that is so much bigger than just me, but that won’t happen if I keep letting my fear convince me that Jesus smaller than He is. When has He ever cut and run, leaving me to deal with it myself? Never. When has He ever let a situation break me? Never. When has He ever asked me to let go of something that didn’t ultimately benefit me? Never.

So why do I instinctively respond as if He has? Why do I resort to such a pitiful attempt at self-protection that all I end up doing is hiding from things that I know I’ve been called to do? I want to live bravely, and be known as one who did things that scared her, even if they sometimes crashed and burned along the way. I want to respond with trust in the fact that Jesus routinely calls us out on the water, even though it’s weird, hard, scary and uncomfortable when we are in the thick of it.

Lord, make me braver than I feel right now. Even if the fear never fully dissipates, let me trust You enough to step out of the boat anyway. I trade my normal for your wholeness. Call me to scary things, and teach me to respond with trust before I have a chance to freak out about the details. Put me in situations where I have to talk about what you’re doing, even though I can’t fully explain it or my role in it. Make this life about so much more than just me, draw me deeper and reveal more of yourself to me. Let me be overwhelmed with thankfulness, quick to repent, quick to forgive and firm in my faith in you.

Promises

Promise is a beautiful word that holds huge expectations.

I often think that people do not understand the importance of saying the words “I promise”. How many of you have had someone say “I promise” to you in hopes that what they are promising will come true?

I know that this has happened to me on some occasions. The few major promises that were spoken to me did not quite come true. Whether it was my previous employer saying that they will “promise” to give me a raise, my dad saying that he will “promise” to remain in my life, or my friend who will “promise” to keep in touch and maintain some sort of a relationship with me. I cannot say that I ever saw these promises be fulfilled.

But then I have to take a step back and look at my life. Was there ever a time that I made a promise to someone that I could not keep? Of course. There was a time when I promised to meet and hang with my friends and instead I went to dinner with my ex-boyfriend and his friends. There have also been times when I promised my own family that I would do a particular thing, and I unfortunately did not follow through. We all get caught in the easy way of saying “I promise” without taking a step back and looking at the repercussions.   

This past week I have been thinking about a broken promise that was made to me a while back.  I played the words over and over in my head.  One way for me to cope with this broken promise was to do some research on this strong word.

The definition of the word promise is:

a declaration or assurance that one will do or will not do a particular thing.

A few synonyms I found are vow, pledge, and oath.  What a powerful definition for word that is so loosely used.   

It is easy to get caught up in reflecting on the empty promises in our lives. It is easy to become bitter and to sit and wallow about the things that did not come true.  However, sitting and thinking about all the hurt, will not bring us happiness.  A broken promise, whether it be small or large, will never be excusable.  It will of course cause heartache and pain.  So how do we move on from the brokenness in our lives?

Although we are constantly burdened and hurt by the broken promises people stowed upon us, there is one promise that will always remain.  The promise of God’s never ending love will never be broken. There have been times when I felt alone.  I felt angry and wondered why God didn’t show up in certain situations.  Why did this pain have to occur? Yet God showed love to me in different ways. God reminded me that His promise of never-ending love, and always being there for me will never go away. As Jesus was walking with His cross on the way to His own crucifixion, He easily could have dropped that cross, walked away, and went to Heaven to be with God. He could have avoided the pain and suffering…but He didn’t.  

He chose to die on the cross for us. To be beaten and afflicted for us. To be ridiculed and mocked for us. Just to show us how much He loves us. To show us, how much he cares for us. To show us that He will never leave us nor forsake us in our time of need.  To show us that He is the one true God. He knew what was going to happen. He knew the pain that He was going to experience. The ridicule He was going to face.  

Yet through it all, He kept His promise. His promise to be the ultimate sacrifice. To die for our sins just to show us how much He loves us.  

People and their actions can be a disappointment. We hate to admit it, but that’s the truth.  
The power and love of Jesus Christ, will never disappoint. It will never be broken. He is the promise that will never be broken.

And Now We Wait

One thing that has fascinated me since entering the workforce is how people respond when I tell them what I do.

“Oh you’re a special education teacher? You must be SO patient!”

I always smile and kindly accept the praise.  Undoubtedly, I have a job that requires patience, but to suggest that God granted me super-human capacities in this regard is laughable. I’m the girl who gets squirrelly during lengthy pre-meal prayers, I’m always antsy in waiting rooms and traffic jams, and I frequently Google how long a movie is then continually check my phone to see how much longer I have to sit still.  (I admit that last one is weird).

Yet, here I am, along with plenty of others, feeling stuck in an in-between stage of life. I have had countless conversations with other twenty-somethings who are anxious to get to that next step, whether that’s in their jobs, their relationships, their finances, etc.

I’ve realized recently that, surprisingly, even those who are much older and wiser than me are often still left seeking, wondering what is coming up ahead. Don’t we all want to get a glimpse of our futures? It’s human nature. Our hearts, when left to their own devices, find it easy to wander from our ultimate purpose. Facebook, Instagram, and Pinterest have allowed our minds to meander through all that we DON’T have. And our brains transform that into something we MUST have. Infomercials assure us that we can have it all for the low, low price of $19.99 plus shipping and handling. No matter how much we do, there’s still a lurking feeling that we could achieve it all if only we strive a little bit more. That is the American dream after all.  Now I’m a huge advocate of hard work, and I truly believe that if you want something badly enough, you can more than likely get it. But God’s been speaking to me loudly in this in-between phase through the verse in Psalm 46:10 that says,

“Be STILL and know that I am God.” 

He doesn’t instruct us to strive more. Let’s all take a collective sigh of relief. This knowledge is powerful! No matter how much we do, we’ll always feel empty if we aren’t consistently seeking the eternal. I’ve written about contentment in the past because as I look back over my life, I’m well aware that it’s an area that I’ve struggled with. It’s hard for me to be patient as I wait for the Lord to reveal to me what’s to come in my life.  Maybe instead of asking, “Where do I see myself in 5 years?” I should ask “How will God use me in the next 5 years?” I won’t worry about who I’ll marry, where I’ll live, how many kids I’ll have. As the days, months, and years continue to tick by, it’s easy to grow restless in trusting His timing. But wait! Wasn’t God faithful in revealing to me where I should go to college? And what my major should be? Didn’t he direct me towards Godly friendships and a supportive community once I was graduated and in the real world? How quickly I can forget and cling tightly to my own plans.

We’re reminded yet again in Matthew 6:25:
“Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life.”

And while I’m the first to admit that this doesn’t come easy, I hope you will join me in choosing to daily surrender your own agenda.  His plan can (and most certainly will) trump your wildest dreams.

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